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No habla aqui

Michael Leave a comment

Hola.  Who decided we need to be directed to where to bring our returns in the mega-hardware-marts in Spanish?  Every sign in the two major home improvement chains down the streets from Either of We’s houses is bilingual.  The only problem is the second language isn’t the predominant one spoken here.  We live in a part of the country where the only people who speak Spanish are the high schoolers taking it for their language requirement.  And of those who do speak more than one language, English is still 100% the first choice although there are a few who specialize in bar talk in Polish, German, and Italian.

Now we don’t mean to be uncaring to Spanish speakers across the country, but something strange is going on and it involves Español.  She of we recently got a new television set.  She set it up according to the detailed instructions that come with televisions nowadays.  You know, that paper packed just under the box top that opens to a 5 foot by 7 foot poster covered with pictograms of the TV and all of the various components one might attach to the TV accompanied by the copyright in 18 languages in a font so small it would never be possible with movable type.  Do you remember when the only instructions for a TV were: 1. plug it in, 2. turn it on?  But we digress.  After several hours and two bottles of wine the set was plugged in and turned on.  Everything seemed to work.  Except…

Except every time she goes to the high definition version of ABC she gets Spanish subtitles.  Closed captioning is not turned on.  We’ve checked.  No default for that channel, no special instruction for that channel.  They just show up.  But only on that channel.  Not that network because the regular non high definition version of the same network doesn’t have them on screen.  Just the high def version.  Just that channel.  Just one out of 800.  And in Spanish!

Allow us to add to the peculiarities of this report.  Friends of ours have a television set that they have had for years.  And for years, one particular show on one particularly network (a weekly live sports cast during the football season on Monday nights) has appeared on their television with Spanish voiceovers.  Only that show.  Only that station.  Only that television.  We really aren’t making this up.  We can call them over to confirm this idiosyncrasy.  They tried different rooms.  They tried different cables.  They even moved.  (Actually they didn’t move because of the television set but it made a dramatic transition, don’t you think?)  Then they moved, brought the set with them, set it up again, but the Spanish speaking commentators stayed away.  Nobody ever found out why.  To be honest, nobody ever looked for why.  They were just happy they could watch football and understand the juego por juego.

Too strange to be true?  Not at all.   Televisions and radios have long picked up spurious signals and played havoc with the one that the viewer or listener was expecting.  He of We had a radio that picked up an AM signal from a city some 900 miles away while seemingly tuned to a station on the FM band.  The strange thing is that it’s all in Spanish. 

Those who should know such things (we’re not sure why they should but they do) say that a little over 10% of the population of the United States speaks Spanish as their primary language and that half of them speak only Spanish or one of several Spanish dialects.  We find it a little odd over 5% of the country cannot speak the official language but that’s a different blog.  What we find stranger is that for the sake of 5% of the country there are small electronics that have taken it upon them to speak and spell in Spanish, dialect unknown.   

Perhaps a bit more unsettling is that all throughout the country, regardless of the concentration of language spoken, there are major retail chains, clearly not wanting to miss a sell to anybody, that have spent millions on signs directing shoppers where to go to find a battery operated destornillador.   Even where the only Spanish speakers only speak it Monday through Friday during Period 3 until the end of this semester. 

We think that’s a lot of duplication of effort that the stockholders might want to look into.  Three hundred million people can find their destornillador on the strength of the English half of the sign alone.  Think of all the paper we would save if we cut those signs in half.      

Now, that’s what we think.  Really.  How ‘bout you?

 

Terms of Appreciation

Michael 3 Comments

You know that every so often new words are officially added to the English language.  We’re not certain exactly how the process goes but we know that “somebody” figures out that we are using non-words so often that eventually “they” decide to make those words official and add them to the language.  Fortunately language isn’t like the physical law of conserving matter.  There is nothing that says there only so many letters available and when you build more new words you have to lose some old ones.  We can keep adding words all we want and we don’t have to put any of the old ones away.  But is sure seems like there are some words that we just don’t hear anymore.  Two of them are “thank” and “you.”

You knew you were getting set up for something.  But really, have you noticed that “thank you” is going fast.  Particularly at the grocery store, bank, convenience store, restaurants, and fast-food drive thru windows.  (We’re pretty sure “thru” is one of the new words we’re allowed to use so we will.  Besides, ‘drive-through’ looks weird.)  And it’s not just that “thank you” is disappearing.  It’s being replaced.  Instead of an expression of gratitude when we hand our money over to the aforementioned clerks and servers, we are now being told “have a good one,” or “there you go” when change is involved.  Quite often, and particularly at the drive thru, we’re told nothing at all.

We don’t like it.  We’re not certain who is in charge of expressions of gratitude but “there you go” doesn’t cut it.  We’re prepared to begin a letter writing campaign so if any of you have a clue as to whom we address our concerns please let us know.  And quickly, before “thank you” disappears into the altogether.

While we’re at it, there are some other phrases we’d like to see when we’re attempting to buy goods or services. 

When we finally get to the head of a check-out line at the local do it yourself center we can do without “did you find everything ok?”  Usually the person asking is a teenager working part time after school or on weekends and has no clue as to what we are buying let alone where we would find whatever it is we couldn’t locate.  “Did you find everything?” is a fine phrase but quite useless by the time one gets to the check-out corral.  Maybe the do it yourself powers that be could shift a few employees to the aisles where the confusion begins to ask that question.  But at the cash register we’d like a return to the old standby of “Hello, would you like some help to your car with that?” particularly when “that” is 500 pounds of wood, nails, shingles, and hardware for a backyard shed that we never did find the instructions for.

When we are out for our weekly dinner date we’d rather not have the server greet us with “can I get you something to drink?” before we’ve even decided which chair who will sit in and do we drape our coats over the backs of the chairs in which we do eventually sit or across the seat of a vacant one.  We’d prefer “You guys get settled in and I’ll bring you a couple glasses of water.  Then if you’d like a drink or an appetizer you can let me know.”  We’ve already had issues with the customary check in question “Is everything ok?” (See “You Want Fries with That?” posted in LIFE, Dec, 12, 2011.)  It’s a great question made up of great words.  It’s just that few servers actually mean it.  And the ones that do are serving in restaurants that if everything wasn’t ok the dish would not have ever made it out of the kitchen.

And can we please dispense with the recorded greetings at the drive thru windows!  It’s bad enough every time you call any business that you are greeted with an auto-attendant.  Why do we now have to have (in an overly cheerful voice) “Would you like to try one of our new triple bypass burgers with the works available only for a limited time?!” This is then followed closely by the bored “Whenever you’re ready.”  Instead let’s move on to “Our menu hasn’t changed since 1955, what will you be having?”  It’s either that or the terribly unimaginative “May I take your order, please?”

There are some terrific new words and phrases that we didn’t have when we were first learning to use a dictionary like the Internet, technical support, and twenty-four hour fitness center.  That doesn’t mean that we can never use the oldies but goodies except in trivia games such as encyclopedia, repair manual, or housework.

We’re all for change.   We just don’t want to be told “There you go” when we get it.

Now, that’s what we think.  Really.  How ‘bout you?

Drive Through Service

Michael 4 Comments

This year has barely gotten a good hold on reality and we’re already noticing a disturbing trend.  People are driving through buildings.

Not quite 3 weeks into the year and we’ve already heard of local drivers mashing the gas on their way through a convenience store, a liquor store, a bank, another convenience store, a post office, a restaurant, and a cemetery’s ornate entrance wall.  That’s one stationary object plowed into every 3 days.  Perhaps just to get on the score board, a brick building fell on 3 cars.

One of those incidents might have been caused by a driver having a heart attack before running into a solid object.  And one of those was caused by a nutcase who intentionally drove into a building to escape chasing police.  He wasn’t a very smart nutcase.  The others were simple cases of mistaking large buildings for open road.

Quite often when we read of these cases we find it involved an older driver who mistook the gas pedal for the brake pedal.  We’re thinking now that the over-80 drivers are getting a bum rap here.  Not all of these drivers were of the old fogey set.  Some were reportedly quite young, all were apparently quite distracted.  And then there was that nutcase.

We’re thinking this is a great opportunity for amateur inventors.  Everybody dreams of building the better mousetrap.  Here’s the chance at building a car-mounted radar system with an auditory alarm and brightly colored flashing warning lights a la the bridge of the Enterprise.   Perhaps connected to cruise control, safety cameras, brake assist devices, and those new self-parking mechanisms someone can create a system that will drive around obstacles, not only large buildings but other immovable objects such as guide rails, parking meters, light poles, traffic signals, a parked delivery van, tunnel entrances, trees, over the side of a bridge, and a World War II monument which also have been violated already this year.

It’s time we protect our buildings!  Brick and mortar, glass and metal, these things don’t grow on trees.  Trees do but they are no match for even a small car barreling through a field taking aim on one.  We encourage you to write to building owners in your cities and convince them to erect water filled safety walls around their structures.  Petition your state legislature to mandate guide rails that separate when sensing approaching vehicles.  And get those letters going to the US Department of Transportation to promulgate regulations requiring solid object early warning signals in all cars, SUVs, and light trucks.

Hmm, you don’t think any of these were caused by people on their cell phones, do you?  Maybe we should look at distraction free driving.  That might have saved a lot of reconstruction.  Well, all except for that nutcase.

Now, that’s what we think.  Really.  How ‘bout you?

 

Your Turn to Keep Score

Michael 3 Comments

This morning there was a story on the morning TV news about a shooting that killed a teenager, put his aunt in the hospital, and superficially wounded his grandmother.  Truly tragic and something that happens far too frequently.   Later in the afternoon She of We called to He of We and asked if he heard the story about the shooting last night.  Who got shot?  In the morning paper the teen had still been killed but now the grandmother was in the hospital and the aunt was treated and released.

One of the first printed reports of Friday’s cruise ship accident off the Italian coast said the ship was “three quarters underwater and sinking fast.”  Four sentences later a statement attributed to Coast Guard officials said “the liner was listing at 20 degrees but was not in danger of sinking.”

Death always surpasses imprecisions on the accuracy meter, and our sympathies to those who lost loved ones in urban violence and vacations gone very badly.  This is not a rant about who spelled what wrong or which homonym was misused today.

But we have to admit our first question to ourselves was, what is more important, getting it right, or getting a headline?  While we were batting that one about we think we may have come across the bigger problem.  It’s not an issue with incorrect reporting.  It’s not an issue with inaccurate editing.  It’s much more pervasive.  It goes back to “everyone’s a hero.”

Let us explain.  How long has it been since the fashion became that little leagues no longer keep score?  That everybody bats every inning?  That every youth gymnastic tournament participant goes home with a trophy? How long has it been since we started instilling in our young people that there are no losers?  Long enough that those children are now young adults writing for our newspapers and web-sites and anchor people.  Long enough that they are also our young firemen, and nurses, and building inspectors.  Long enough that they will soon be our doctors and lawyers.  Long enough that someday they will be running for Congress, President, and your local school board.

Are you young enough, and were you naïve enough to allow your children to believe that there is no winning or losing?  If so, what did you tell your son at his first major league baseball game when the home team lost and the beer soaked fan in the row behind you expressed his displeasure?  What did you tell your daughter when she watched the Olympics for the first time and asked why the gymnasts were crying?  Petty issues?  Perhaps.  But life isn’t all winning.  Once a child is old enough to stand he’s old enough to fall down.  Doesn’t he deserve the courtesy of being told he might?

What do you tell yourself when a group of teens knocks on a door and shoots a child of 16 and a firefighter at the scene is quoted “There’s been a lot of stupid stuff going on?”  How do you reconcile the captain going down with the ship in the movie but going to safe harbor in a life boat in real life?  Once a child is old enough to stand he’s old enough to be pushed over.  Doesn’t he deserve the guidance of being told how to avoid it?

What do you tell the world when the world extrapolates one with no winners or losers to one with no right or wrong?  Have we created that world of harmony for our now young adults by taking the pressure of winning off them when they were our young children?  Or have we created a world of discord for our now young adults – a world where they are unprepared for conflict, discipline, and getting things right because they never had to as young children?  We can’t be outraged at a teen who takes losing so badly that he has to shoot others when we never taught him how to be a gracious winner.   

If you didn’t keep score then, you can’t be an umpire now.

Now, that’s what we think.  Really.  How ‘bout you?

 

We Hold These Truths

Michael 2 Comments

A word about this post:

We wrote this before Christmas amid the annual outcry over manger scenes in front of government buildings and wonderings if you had to say Happy Holidays not to get fired.  It was written more as history lesson than rant over Politics and Religion and we figured there were enough to fight that fight.  And who wanted a history lesson right before Christmas?  So we spent our time spending time together, enjoying friends and family members, humming Christmas carols, watching Christmas movies, thowing some change into a few red kettles, and generally living the spirit of the season. 

Then this week the local paper had a story about a Pennsylvania university that was offering discounts to its men’s and women’s basketball games.  Among these was a discount for those with a religious affiliation.  Actually the discount was extended to anyone belonging to a faith-based organization as part of the school’s “Faith and Family Night” promotion.  According to the paper, a university spokesperson explained that “fans could mention affiliation with any faith-based organization, not just churches, to get the discount.”  We imagine if you really wanted to go to a basketball game and were short a couple dollars for the ticket, you could just lie.  If you didn’t belong to a faith-based organization, you’d probably not think twice of it.

Opponents of creches, of discounts to church groups, of saying “Merry Christmas” during the Christmas season, and probably of sales of Easter bonnets during Easter sales always fall back on that so often misquoted document, the Constitution of the United States.  “It violates my First Amendment rights,” is a favorite excuse for bad behavior. 

So, we’re going to risk bad behavior of our own and present “We Hold These Truths” to our public.  It’s our way of saying we know what our rights are.  And so do the people who wrote to insure us those rights 225 years ago.  Please don’t trample them on your way to finding your rights.  (And yes, we know that “we hold these truths” comes form the Declaration of Independence, not the Constitution.  Technically our rights were insured by the Bill of Rights and not the Constitution either.  Humor us, ok?)

It is a very long post.  Regular readers know our posts already are pretty long and even compared to those posts of around 500 words, this one is a doozie!  At close to 2,000 words we hope we’ve said something thoughtful, intelligent, and meaningful.    And at the risk of making it even longer, we encourage you to comment on it, to re-blog it, to send a copy of it to your Congressman, to e-mail it to friends, to share it with your family, to share it with your local news outlet, or if you know one to share it with, share it with your favorite atheist.

And now, We Hold These Truths: 

———————————————————————————-

A bit before Christmas, a Michigan based organization of self-proclaimed atheists threatened to send busloads of its members from Wisconsin to a small town in Pennsylvania because that small town was planning on doing the unthinkable for the 50th-some time and erect a Christmas manger scene outside its municipal building.  The organization wrote, “It is unlawful for the state to erect this nativity scene on borough property thus singling out one religion.”  There was no word if that was written in Michigan or Wisconsin.  Nor was there word of which one of the many Christian religions was being singled out.  Now, halfway through January, that little town is still fighting that fight and is already looking ahead to Christmas 2012.

Just as the Christmas season was winding down the college basketball was moving into high gear.  There is a college not far from that Pennsylvania town that is offering a variety of discount nights including First Responders’ Night and Veterans’ Night.  Also among their special promotions is a discount night for those who belong to any faith-based organization.  It didn’t take long before there were new headlines throughout the Keystone State quoting an organization questioning the validity of that one.  Not because it singled out one religion but because it wasn’t fair to the basketball fans who are not religious and thus not eligible for a discount.  The opposing group didn’t say the same for those who are not veterans or first responders.  Apparently not being a veteran is something beyond most peoples’ control.

We hate to be so rude to so many people who are so protective of our Constitution, but, get a life!  (We said in our first blog we weren’t going to be politically correct – just plain correct.)  At the risk of being quite politically incorrect, here are the facts.  If we were you, we’d get a beverage, sit back, and hold on for the remainder of this post.  We will also warn you that the remainder of this post is more history lesson than rant.  If you appreciate intelligent and thoughtful discussions you should enjoy this. 

When our early lawmakers wrote the Constitution back in the summer of 1787 in Philadelphia, they had no idea they were creating controversy for future fellow Pennsylvanians.  They also had not planned on creating fodder for the trough of stupidity that nonsensical organizations like the dolts in Michigan and/or Wisconsin hide behind.  As much as everybody wants to say so, the Constitution of the United States says nothing about this oft-claimed separation of church and state.      

The confusion seems to have arisen not at the signing of the Constitution in September of 1787 but came as an afterthought to that document.  More than two years later, some states’ representatives still remembered the British violations of civil rights that drove even earlier representatives to unanimously pass the Declaration of Independence.   Thomas Jefferson, primary author of the Declaration of Independence, was not a member of the Congress that drafted and forwarded the Constitution to the states for ratification.  He was, however, a vocal critic of that group for their lack of specifying individual rights, rights that were significant in the writing of the Declaration.  And thus in September of 1789, the First Congress of the United States proposed 12 amendments to the Constitution to quiet those most concerned that the government had too much power and the rights of the individuals were not adequately addressed.  The first two proposed amendments as presented to the States were not ratified.  But the states ratified amendments 3 through 12 compiling the first ten amendments to the Constitution, now known as the Bill of Rights.

The first of those ten ratified amendments over the years has stood the test of time and rarely was questioned or opposed.  Only in the second half of the twentieth century did citizens whose rights were the very focus of the amendment’s authors did those citizens start plucking individual phrases to justify petty and personal opinion.  There are only 45 words in the First Amendment.  That is not too many to read and savor all at once.

“Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.”

But since the Dolts of Michigan and others insist on tearing it apart word from word, we will examine it thought by thought.  The dolts and their brethren always pick on the first 10 words.  Most dolts can’t count past ten so that must be why they stop there.  “Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion.”  Nobody ever quotes the next six words, “or prohibiting the free exercise thereof.”  Probably the “thereof” confuses them.  That’s the authors’ way of saying that they and future representatives to Congress won’t say how you will worship, and nobody in the government can stop you from worshipping.  There is nothing in those combined 16 words that says you are not allowed to worship, you will not worship, or that there is no support for you to worship.   Nor does it say that there might not be a multitude of ways to worship.  In fact, one can make the leap that the reason for the first ten words are to support a variety of ways to worship, a freedom the authors of the Constitution and their ancestries did not have under the foreign realms from which they fled.  Congree will not prohibit the free exercise of religion.  (We wanted to spell that out just in case there is a dolt out there and it is still confused over “thereof.”)

As long as we’re dissecting words written over 220 years ago we want to keep going.  There are, after all, only 29 of them left.  The First Amendment goes on to say that Congress will also make no law “abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press.”  They go together.  Even over two hundred years ago the authors recognized that the press was and is the enduring voice of the people.  They are the same and that is why it is written as a single clause.  Perhaps current members of the Fourth Estate should remember that when they are editorializing.  Perhaps they also should practice just “correct,” and reflect the thoughts and feelings and prayers of those who support the press and forget about being “politically correct” themselves.   The earliest publications of this country were quite politically incorrect by our standards yet they rallied their readers to the extent that we now have a country that will make no law abridging those freedoms.  Congress will not abridge the right to free speech or press.  Together.  One mind.  One voice.  The one voice of the many people. 

Congress will also not abridge “the right of the people peaceably to assemble and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.”  The right to assemble goes along with peaceably.  You might prefer to call it peacefully.  Peaceful demonstration is how the dolts’ younger cousins would have you believe every protest begins.  No.  When demonstrators show up with clubs, pepper spray, guns, and the intent to use them if they are confronted by others with different views, peaceful has left the building.  The final phrase “to petition the Government for a redress of grievances” is colonial speak for “ask the Government to put right wrongs” or to “ask our representatives to review citizen rights for those the original authors missed.”  It doesn’t mean to sit in a park, refuse passage to people who are trying to get to work, turn over cars and trucks, throw rocks at policemen, and in general act like the animal version of a dolt.  It does mean to gather together, discuss how you’ve been wronged and how you would make it right for everybody.  With one voice of one mind you can then ask our assembled representatives to listen to us and make things right.  It’s a powerful concept, particularly if you can find an elected representative who understands the First Amendment.

Remember, the Four Freedoms are the Freedom OF Religion, Freedom OF Speech, Freedom FROM Want, and Freedom FROM Fear.  It just seems all backwards.  Protestors exercise their “rights” while instilling fear in everyone else.  Our government repeatedly bails out banks and manufacturers while allowing individuals to suffer 29% interest rates and retail prices that have no basis on the actual cost of goods.  Public comment periods to bills and government contracts are virtually non-existent but the idiot screaming down the block at 3 in the morning has a right to free speech especially if he’s the drug addicted son of the mayor.   And dolts are allowed to charter organizations specifically to support freedom FROM religion.  (By the way, among its several accepted definitions is that religion is characterized by a set of strongly-held beliefs that somebody lives by.  We contend that any group of people so concerned over getting its ideological point of view, its strongly held ideological point of view, to the extent that they are prepared to proselytize for it, is pretty much practicing a religion.  Think about it.)

Before we finish our little history lesson let’s step back a few years earlier, to the summer of 1776, again in the city of Philadelphia.  To the Declaration of Independence.  To that very short announcement that the former British colonies were indeed one new country, one that would fairly soon establish taxes and representation, and an army and navy, and a Bill of Rights.  Before those assembled got to the part about these truths being self-evident they first declared:

“When in the Course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature’s God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.” 

You couldn’t fool those colonists.  They knew who fixed them up.  They knew that the “powers of the earth” are granted by “Nature’s God.”  After that acknowledgement they moved on to:

“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.”

Somebody gave those colonists the idea that all of us are entitled to live our lives, to live them by the four freedoms, and to be happy while we do it.  It certainly wasn’t Thomas Jefferson or John Hancock.  It wasn’t George Washington or Benjamin Franklin.  It wasn’t even John Adams.  When you thank someone for your self-evident endowments you know who you’re going to thank.  We say it enough every day.  Thank God.

They may not want to believe it but even the dolts have God to thank.  Every time they take advantage of a Christmas sale each winter or an Easter Sale the following spring there’s a reason behind it.  It’s not Mr. Macy they have to thank for that great deal on a Play Station.  And we’re pretty sure they aren’t going up to their butcher and asking for a higher price on the spiral cut ham because there is no God.  No, they know the reason behind the deal. 

And what a deal it is.

Now, that’s what we think.  Really.  How ‘bout you?

(All passages from the Declaration of Independence, the Constitution of the United States, and the Bill of Rights are copied from transcripts of the originals including spelling, capitalization, and punctuation as it was then written.  Transcripts reviewed at the National Archives website, www.archives.com.  Read about these documents at “The Charters of Freedom,” http://www.archives.gov/exhibits/charters/.)

 

Buy One, Get What?

Michael 1 Comment

There’s something gone terribly wrong with American commerce.  Those who are in charge can’t add.  Or subtract.  Or multiply.  We were looking for somewhere for dinner and decided to break out the old coupon book.  Yes, the price goes up every year but there are thousands of “buy one, get one” deals in it.  Has anybody ever actually read those coupons?

A quick check of the 5 or 6 closest restaurants all had coupons declaring “buy one entrée, get one free.”  But they all had dollar limits.  The most popular this year seems to be $8.00.   We’re not ones to sneeze at $8.00 off dinner for two but perhaps that’s what the advertisers should be saying.  You see, of those 5 or 6 restaurants that we checked out, none of them had an entrée for under $12.00.  The more accurate coupon language is “buy one, get two-thirds off another if you go for the cheapie meal.”

It doesn’t stop at the coupon books.  Infomercials have been varying vocabulary since there have been infomercials.  “Call now and we’ll double the offer!  Just pay additional processing and handling” an amount they never specify in any of the 30 minutes that the ad runs.  If $19.95 is the price for one plus $10.00 processing and handling, then doubling the offer should mean you get twice as much for the same $29.95.  If one costs $29.95 and you double it for free, that means $29.95 + $0.00 = $39.95???  That’s not right.  Ask anyone who passed arithmetic.

While we’re on the subject of product pricing, whatever happened to products and services being priced based on their cost.  Infomercial sales have proven that point.  Almost everything sold on TV is $19.95.  That which is not $19.95 is $19.99.  If you want to figure out the true cost of an “As Seen On TV” product, check out that mysterious processing and handling fee.  That seems to vary more with, and is probably a truer estimate of the presumed cost of the product.

Presumptions aside, we have no magic formula for determining if you’re getting a deal or getting robbed.  We live in the easternmost time zone of our country.  He of We has to fly to the westernmost time zone for work with little advance notice.  While exploring the Internet for airfares he found one for $314.  Not a bad price to get from one ocean to the other.  But if he could fly out one day later the price is only $156.  Are they planning to move one of the oceans to the Mississippi River?  If they are, they are going to move it back in very short order.  That $156 airfare is good on only the first flight of the day.  Later that same day with the same airline on the same model of plane making the same stop the same flight will cost $429.  It bears mentioning that all of that is for a flight out.  The flight back is a whole different set of numbers.  Somebody has to stop moving these cities around!

To really confuse us, some deals are too much of a good thing.  Check out this week’s flyer for your local mega-mart and see how many items you can find at “10 for $10.”  Do you really have to buy ten?  Actually, no.  With your loyalty card your price is $1 each.  Why can’t they say that?  Or are there more people than we imagine who are buying 10 cans of chopped beets this week?

Buy one get some; double or nothing; buy now and save; buy big or go home.  We guess buyers really should beware.  At the very least they should throw away their old calculators, dictionaries, and maps and buy the new and improved versions.  Processing and handling extra.

Now, that’s what we think.  Really.  How ‘bout you?

With Three You Get Collections

Michael 1 Comment

Where does a collection end and an obsession begin?  For that matter, where does a collection begin?  We believe that with two you have a spare.  With three you have a collection.   Webster prefers not to be so specific, calling a collection a mass or a pile, as in “that’s a pile of money you have there” if someone was to describe your twenty dollar bill collection.  But why do we even care?

In the news this weekend was the report that someone paid $1.38 million (a pile of money, for sure) for a penny.  It bears mentioning that it was a penny minted in 1793 and it was all copper.  Ok, it bears most mentioning that it was minted in 1793 but the news people all seemed a bit obsessed with it being copper, too.  That penny came up in our discussion over brunch and that’s why we care.

Those shows on television that claim to be reality shows (unlike this very blog you are reading that we know is the real reality show), might like to lead viewers to believe that finding a million dollar penny is no harder than breaking into your piggy bank, blowing the dust of the pennies that appear to be all copper, make up a good story to go with one, and drop it off at the local pawn shop.  If that doesn’t work, go bid on a storage shed that has been ignored by its renter for long enough to get on the “sell for rent” list and you will certainly find at least one million dollar penny, probably 3 or 4, taped to the inside of a clarinet case underneath the felt covering.  They’ll also tell you that if you don’t find that million dollar penny and you keep buying up clarinet cases looking for it, and you keep all the empty clarinet cases in the kitchen piled so high that you can’t get to your trash compactor, all it takes is a weekend with some assertive relatives and a professional organizer (household, not union), and you too can avoid eviction, commitment, or both.

But we digress…

She of We asked why somebody would pay so much for something that, at face value, is only worth one cent.  He of We cautioned her that she has art hanging on her wall for which somebody paid much more than face value if face value is calculated by the cost of canvas and paint.  It’s in the beauty of it.  It gives her joy to look at.  And there is the reason.  Beauty and joy trump face value every time.

The collecting game is probably not terribly rational.  There are many this weekend who are questioning the sanity of that unidentified buyer of the 1793 penny and his $1.38 million bid.  Both of We have several collections and in their entirety they don’t cost $1.38 million.  In their entirety they may not cost more than the computer you are using to read these words.  Yet there are still some people who may question the sanity of spending even just a few dollars for one more Mr. Potato Head, one more holiday inspired animated hat, or one more miniature version of a 1960’s era full size toy.  Some may question putting our risk of insanity in the same category of one who spends well over $1 million on a single coin as somewhat ambitious.  Then again, some people may consider putting a pile of hats that sing and move up and down in the same category as a coin collection is in itself pretty ambitious.

What is a collection?  Encarta gets a little more verbose than Webster and is willing to state that a collection is a set of objects held for its interest, value, or beauty.  So what is the value of that 1793 penny?  One cent?  $1.38 million?  It’s been said the value of any object is how much somebody is willing to pay for it, yet its worth is how much somebody wants for it.  Rarely are worth and value equal.  If our collections actually cost what we feel they are worth, they would far exceed our ability to pay for them, thus lowering their value to us.  But it is because we place such worth on these objects that give us so much joy that they are so valuable to us.

Yes, a collection is interesting and beautiful and valuable.  And not at all rational.  And just a little obsessive.  But perfectly sane.  If we didn’t covet those things of beauty that give us such joy, why would we want anything?  Is it crazy to spend $1.38 million for a coin?  Is it crazy to spend $20 for a hat that plays “The Stars and Stripes Forever?”  The answer to both is yes.  But neither is the question.  The question is, what is it worth to look upon what you have and say you wanted it, you looked for it, you found it, you got it, and you like having it for the joy that it brings you?  It’s worth more than all the money in the world.  It truly is priceless.

Now, that’s what we think.  Really.  How ‘bout you?

 

Star Polisher

Michael 1 Comment

January 5, Twelfth Night, the Eve of the Epiphany, the last evening that precedes the Twelfth Day of Christmas.  Ok, that can be a little confusing but think like most businesses that are open 24 hours think, such as a hospital or a large supermarket.  At most places where a day takes up 24 hours, shifts for any given day don’t begin at midnight.  They start the evening before the following day.  Ok, that’s still confusing.  Trust us, tonight is Twelfth Night, tomorrow is the Twelfth Day of Christmas, aka the Epiphany.  Remember?  Those three kings bearing gifts following yonder star.  Star of wonder.  Star of light.  Ok, now hold that thought.

We were talking the other day about things like New Year’s Resolutions (which if you read our post from January 2 you know we’re holding until March), needy friends, and end of the year burn out.  We don’t have so many friends that we can afford to alienate any of them by not responding to their needs.  On the other hand, we don’t have so many free hours in any day that we can constantly be serving their neediness.  That was when we had our own epiphany.  That’s epiphany with a little “e” – a sudden intuitive leap of understanding.  We have become Star Polishers.

She of We coined the phrase “Star Polisher” to describe those people that one turns to when one needs his or her self-esteem or star, brightened or polished.  Like most couples, we are each other’s star polisher.  It really only takes a little maintenance to keep our stars shiny and bright.  Most of the time we do it without even noticing that we are doing it.  A comment about looking nice today, a thank you for dinner, or an unexpected gift.

The ability to polish somebody’s star is an awesome responsibility. Friends and loved ones seek you out because they know that no matter what, you will make them feel warm and worthwhile and connected to this thing we call life.  Seeing and finding the best part of people when they want to give up or give in is a gift.  It’s the listening, the smile, or even the tears that keep us connected to each other.  And as we begin a new year it’s time to reconnect with each other.

She of We is such a good polisher that many of her stars have found their own twinkle.  A professional in the hard sciences who really would rather be an artist becoming that artist and seeing his work hung in a gallery.  A musician once literally travelling from gig to gig now filling rooms at request with each person called by name, each thanked personally.  A manager once questioning if his ascent was only because he was around the longest now confident that even if a new Day One should ever come he’ll still be “top of the heap.”  They are enough to make a Star Polisher beam.  

But Star Polishers must be wary of the Star who never gets bright enough.  These stars know who they are.  They call or text about every problem in life no matter how inconvenient it may be.  They know exactly when they are becoming tarnished – the bad relationship, the lousy job, nobody understands them.  They claim so many blemishes all at once that even an extra strength polishing isn’t going to satisfy them.  They hover in your doorway at work, they are on your voicemail at home, and they are in your e-mail at both.  They never ask if you have time to spend on them.  It never occurs to them to ask how you are.  They barge right in and are taken aback if you have to delay the polishing until a better time, even if it means only a few minutes delay. 

Star Polishers need to take special care not to have their own stars burned out.  Sometimes the Polishers have to admit that they have given all the shine that they have.  They love you and wish you nothing but the best but it’s time to look inside yourself and shine on your own for a while.  There are times when even She of We uses so much energy polishing other stars that she loses some of her shine.  Your job if you find yourself polished up by one of her kind is to say “thank you” and acknowledge the unexpected gift that you’ve been given.  Take a moment to become the Polisher’s Polisher.  That’s the number one way to make sure your own Star Polisher will always have some sparkle handy for you.

So it’s only one gift.  It was only one star.  And it’s still pretty bright.

Now, that’s what we think.  Really.  How ‘bout you?

 

Be It Resolved

Michael 6 Comments

Today is January 2, the day resolutions die.  It might be more effective to make annual New Year’s Indecisions.  January 2.  It used to be the start of white sales.  Then they got pushed deeper into January and we’re not terribly sure anybody even still has white sales as we once knew them.  So even that inauspicious occasion has deserted the second day of the year.  Deserted it, just like all those resolutions. 

And why shouldn’t’ they.  Be real people, January is a terrible time to start a new year.  There is no astronomical occurrence that coincides with it.  There is no historical or pre-historical event that occurs with it.  It’s only claim is that it falls a week after Christmas and with most workers getting a couple days off for each of the holidays, if one was so inclined one can manage to take a whole week off without burning a whole week’s worth of vacation days. 

Yes, the only thing New Year’s Day is really known for is for continuing the stress of the holiday period.  We’re already overwhelmed with traditional foods and customs of one holiday and now we’re tossing in a whole different set of superstitions and menu restrictions to heighten our anxiety. What can we eat?  What can’t we eat?  Is the first person through the door carrying the right kind of bread with him?  Is the first person through the door a him?  Donuts, pretzels, or grapes?  Should the host drink first?  Do we need more gifts?  Which way is the wind blowing?  And on top of all that you want resolutions, too?  Yeah, right.

If New Year’s Day came later in the year, perhaps when the days are getting warmer and flowers are starting to bloom, then we can come up with some good resolutions.  Come see us when we’re not standing knee deep in used gift boxes trying to remember if they are recyclable, reorganizing our closets to make way for this winter’s post-holiday sizes, cleaning out the refrigerator of all the traditional holiday foods that everybody wanted but nobody ate.  Ask us to set goals when Mother Nature is setting some of hers, not when Old Man Winter is threatening to make a comeback from an overly mild December.

The ideal time for New Year’s would be late March, just about when spring is springing.  It’s far enough away from Valentine’s Day and Easter that we can use a holiday then.  The long depressing nights are over so our resolutions can be positive and begin with “we resolve that we will do this” like the start of a real goal rather than “we will never again do that” like the opening for a bad excuse.  Actually, up until a couple hundred years on the BC side of year counting, the beginning of the year was celebrated at the Vernal Equinox.  It wasn’t until the Ancient Romans with their penchant for tinkering with the calendar pushed it around to where it is today.

So our resolution for this year is to make our resolutions this spring.  Come see us then, but make sure you have a loaf of bread, a piece of coal, and a bag of money.

Now, that’s what we think.  Really.  How ‘bout you?

 

Say What?

Michael Leave a comment

Should old acquaintances be forgot?  Depends on the acquaintance and if he – or she – is old, long, and sighs.

Not only is it bad enough that New Year’s Eve comes at the end of a year, a most traumatic time for many, usually the last we hear of it is sung to a song written a couple hundred years ago in a language not many understand derived from poems written a couple hundred years earlier still in a language fewer use.  But sing it we do.  Even if we don’t have a clue to what we’re singing.

Somewhere, sometime, somebody translated most of the song.  We don’t know how accurate the translation is but we’ve been singing it that way since Guy Lombardo led his Pennsylvanians into the New Year that was 1930.  The Scottish poet Robert Burns wrote the lyrics as we know them in 1788.  He wrote more 500 poems and this is the one we remember at least once a year.  His inspiration may or may not have come from even earlier songs and poems dating to the 1500s.  Those earlier songs would seem to have or have not themselves inspired by yet even older Scottish folk songs of love and friendship.  It’s odd that even those whose careers rely on interpreting literature can’t agree on what the words mean.  The version Burns put to paper appears to be of friends recently parted.  Some say the lyrics refer to battles fought for king and country and some for God and honor.  Some have interpreted them to speak of a bond among men and some to a relationship between a man and a woman.  And those are of the lyrics we understand.

And no wonder there is confusion.  There’s not even consensus of what the title means.  We tried to research what those three little words really are and what they really mean.  The problem with “auld lang syne” is that it sounds suspiciously like English so most people feel they know what the words are and what they mean.  Odd long sign.  All sung high.  Old dang sign.  Old long high.  Odd dang high.  The first four references we checked gave us four different translations:  old long ago, time long past, old times’ sake, and times gone by.  So we gave up.  They mean whatever you want them to mean. 

We take them to mean that one should remember the year just ending and wish every friendship grows a year older by the end of next year.  The memory of every moment spent is a gift for the moments yet to come.  Every day gone by is an opportunity to welcome a new day.

Should old acquaintance be forgot? 
Oh dear let’s never mind. 
We’ll beg a cup the kind you brought
and pay you back some other time.

Hey, Happy New Year!

Now, that’s what we think.  Really.  How ‘bout you?