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Cirque du Sex

Michael Leave a comment

When is oral sex in public ok?  When the people who are doing it tell you so.  In another case of bad behavior gone worse, a couple (we’re not sure if they are a “couple” or just two people) decided during a performance of Cirque du Soleil Totem in Del Mar, CA was the right time.  Being drunk sometimes clouds your judgment.  Being stupid will also.

Since it’s been all over the Internet you’re probably familiar with most of the details.  Two people get bored with the show and she starts bobbing her head in his lap.  Tickets for that performance ranged from $45 to $90 a seat.  Even at the low end the performance on the stage was probably worth it and the performance in the stands wasn’t more than a pair of arrogant, self-important losers who can’t find anything positive around them that doesn’t include them.  But we digress.  When chipper chickie starts doing her thing on the chirpy chap, a lady behind them decided her $45 to $90 didn’t not include an amateur sex play and complained.  Others around them used their cell phones to alert security.  That’s when the somewhat occupied fellow reportedly told them all to mind their own business or he’d kill them.

A pair of 5 year olds sitting in front of Deeper Throat, the Sequel, got to wondering what was going on and turn around to get their eyeful.  That’s when Mr. Throat gave one of them a high five.  After all, he was reaching his peak and was wanted to share his feelings with his intellectual and emotional peers.  Ms. Deep clearly had no peers so she just slugged one of those who first complained.  Three times.  In the face.

It got us to thinking, what kind of people do that?  What kind of people have sex in public, get caught, and act both childishly and violently when confronted? What kind of people get arrested, and still get to collect their paychecks while on administrative leave during an investigation of the incident?  Government employees, that’s who.

Yep, the amorous couple…we mean the non-lady and the tramp …are border patrol agents.  According to the Customs and Border Patrol official web-site, each officer takes “a solemn vow to secure the homeland from terrorists and other threats.”  Apparently the female officer was simply trying to restrain an overgrown child who struck a five year on the open palm of his hand and then subdued an apparent rude individual who used a cell phone during a public performance interrupting the show for hundreds of paying patrons of the arts.     

So that clears it all up.  Except for one thing.  How was it that while in the process of getting oral sex, the fat bastard managed to verbally assault those around him and cavort with the little kiddies in the row in front of him?  We guess she wasn’t that good.

Now, that’s what we think.  Really.  How ‘bout you?

Careful Wishing

Michael Leave a comment

There is a place we’ve been going to for years and we still can’t describe it.  It’s actually a winery with a tasting room and bottles of their own stuff lining the wall to sale or build into gift baskets.  But it’s also a gift shop, maybe even approaching emporium with all the usual cute but questionable gifts that go with wine.  You know, the t-shirt with the picture of the corkscrew and the legend, “Screw this.”  It’s a picnic grove, a banquet hall, a wine bar.

But it’s also a restaurant.  One that has expanded a couple of times over the years that we’ve been going there.  It’s always had the exceptionally talented local performers grace its outdoor seating area or dining room.  The singers sing soft tunes perfectly matched to a light lunch on a patio in the European countryside.  Except for it not being in Europe, it’s always been a pretty good place to go.  They have good food, good wine, good entertainment.  What more could you want on a summer afternoon?

Yesterday we found out.  We hadn’t been there since last season and we knew they made more changes.  They added another indoor seating area expanding it to challenge a full scale restaurant.  And the outside patio had a new small stage for the singers.  Our favorite was there – in fact he was what brought us there the first time we visited this site – and we were looking forward to a fruit and cheese platter, a crisp Riesling, and a few hours of first rate solo entertainment.

We should have known things changed for other than the best as we approached the hostess stand and 4 young girls were huddled around it.  They seemed somewhat confused whether there were or not any outside tables available and we were advised to wander the gift shot while they found one.  No problem, we’d get a bottle of wine and a couple of glasses and hang out in the grassy area flanking their pavilion.  But no sooner had we gotten the wine paid for that Hostess #1 was at our sides with a table ready.  We left the plastic cups meant for perimeter use and headed to our table.  After 10 minutes of staring at our open bottle of wine, which He of We seriously considered guzzling from, a waitress finally appeared with real glasses and a promise to bring us a wine chiller for our bottle and to take our order.

To make a long story short, we were left unattended then for not the first time that afternoon and for long periods.  We were served a delicious salad on a plate that never made it through the dishwasher after its previous use.  We sat with empty water glasses in 85 degree heat.  We were left with dirty plates on our table from two courses.  And we never got the bottle chiller until the second bottle. (Actually we rarely order a second bottle but we were on a quest to see if there really was ice inside the building our waitress kept disappearing to.)

We wondered if we had brought this on.  When we first started going there it was very small, just a handful of tables outside the tasting room and the talent perched under a large umbrella.  We said many times in those early years that we wished the owners good luck trying to create a destination out of their little winery so more people could enjoy it.  We should have taken that old advice, be careful what you wish for.

As always, the entertainment was top notch.  But we can always find our favorite singer at other venues.  The food was very good.  But not incomparable.  The atmosphere was charming, but not unmatched. 

New this time around, the service sucked.  And that’s why we’ll question ever going there again.

Now, that’s what we think.  Really.  How ‘bout you?

 

Petty Woman

Michael Leave a comment

The TV news reporter looked his serious look hard into the camera and solemnly stated, “In a story that is gripping the nation…”  We were ready to hear of a terrorist attack, the death of a major statesman, a family kidnapped by aliens while trout fishing (the family, not the aliens).  Instead we got, “…Miss Pennsylvania has given up her crown claiming the Miss USA pageant is a fraud.” 

Really?  That’s gripping?  That’s captivating?  That’s breaking news? To be fair to the beauty pageant followers of America, there was a lot of news this week from the Miss USA competition. 

Six of 11 young women were not able to name the Vice President of the USA.  One of those not able to answer correctly, Miss Nevada, explained, “We were up really late.”  Miss Rhode Island, the ultimate winner of the contest was one of those asked and answered correctly.  Thank all who count on that one.  It probably scored an extra point for her.

Miss Ohio’s ideal woman, an inspiration to her, the perfect woman not hampered by reality but created through a movie producer’s vision and the film that features a woman as a role model to all women, was a hooker in a movie about a hooker living the good life on somebody else’s nickel.  A good looking hooker, a Pretty Woman even, and an interesting twist on the Eliza Doolittle story, but still, just a hooker.  In our opinion, My Fair Lady was not only a better role model but had better music too.    

Not all the news came from the pageant.  Some came from the news covering the pageant.  During the same Q&A session that provided us with prostitution as an aspiration, once again ultimate winner Miss Rhode Island scored bonus points.  She answered the question, would it be fair for a transgender to compete in the Miss USA competition with, “… so many people out there who have a need to change for a happier life, I do accept that because it’s a free country.”  That statement earned her the comment “(her) victory was for more than good looks; it was for common sense and dignity” from the Boston Globe.  Of course it is only common sense that someone needs to surgically alter oneself to achieve happiness while also undignified to try to provoke happiness from within.  They left out freedom.

Then there is the big man himself, the Donald, trumping all the news claiming he’s going to sue Miss Pennsylvania for calling his contest a fraud.  Those are strong words according to the gazillionaire and if he doesn’t get an apology he’s going to take his ball and go home.  No, that’s not true.  He never said anything about balls, but if he doesn’t get an apology he’s going to sue her.  Maybe even if he does.

Taking one’s ball and going home is nothing new for Miss USA.  The whole competition is based on not playing well with others.  Started in 1952, the Miss USA pageant was created over a tussle between the Miss America pageant and swimsuit sponsor Catalina.  Not to be left without its share of publicity, Catalina started its own Miss USA and Miss Universe to boot.  More women, more swimsuits.  

It’s just all too gripping for us, and not the least bit petty.  And on top of it, we think we’ll hold off going trout fishing for a little while.  Just in case.

Now, that’s what we think.  Really.  How ‘bout you?

 

Food Rules!

Michael Leave a comment

“It was some sort of curry but it needed something,” She of We was telling He of We of her supper a little earlier that evening.  It seemed to be not very memorable, but then, “but then I thought ‘I bet it will be better if I add some parmesan cheese to it’ so I did and it did.  You’re probably not supposed to add parmesan to curry.”  And that started us down the path lined with food rules.

Food should be fun to make, to serve, and to eat.  There shouldn’t be any rules.  But there are rules all over food.  Don’t add cheese to fish.  Serve red wine with red meat.  Add oil to vinegar.  Parmesan and curry don’t go together.  As far as we’re concerned there is only one food rule.  Enjoy what you eat.

Recipes are just rules lined up in numerical order.  Sometimes, recipes are so daunting and the ingredients so obscure that it’s impossible to satisfy We’s Rule of Food: Enjoy What You Eat.  The way we figure, unless you’re a restaurant and you want every crab cake to taste exactly the same or the enchilada on Tuesday to taste just like the enchilada on Saturday you don’t really need a recipe.  A guide, yes.  A formula, no. 

When we look for recipe books we look for the ones with the stories about the food and the cooks.  What was the author/chef thinking, or doing, or remembering when he or she first put those ingredients together.  How many times did the middle child serve as tester before it came out right?  What are the stories behind the food?  How your grandmother taught you to spot the freshest chicken is a much more interesting tale than how much chicken to bone for the lemon chicken salad.  If we like the story, we’ll try the food.  And if we don’t like the food, we’ll at least have read a good story.

Food rules (the noun) have no place in your kitchen.  Food rules (the verb) is what makes a kitchen. 

Food Rules!  We like that.

Now, that’s what we think.  Really.  How ‘bout you?

 

Drive Around Please

Michael 3 Comments

We tried to wait but we couldn’t.  Buildings are STILL jumping in front of cars.

We first told of cars driving into buildings at a quite alarming pace at the beginning of the year.  (See Drive Through Service, January 29, and Drive Through, Part Two, February 13, in HUMOR.)  We figured at the rate they were going we’d see a car/building collision on a daily basis before the end of the year.  While the pace has slowed, the variety has not.

Ripped form the local headlines we have reports of cars driving into 10 houses, one making it all the way into the living room.  We’ve had one office building, one bank, one restaurant, one bookstore, and one billboard all become the objects of vehicular buildingslaughter.  Two locations of the same supermarket chain were targets of a pair of misguided motorcrafts.  Perhaps the chain should consider a drive through to replace one of its indoor express lanes.  One convenience store attracted its car-nal companion so well that the same driver plowed the same car into the same storefront twice.

Some smashes were particularly smashing.  There was the lady who drove her car into the airport.  We thought it was because the driver couldn’t wait to head for a warmer climate and the people mover from the parking lot wasn’t moving people fast enough.  Actually it was because she had a flat tire some 2 miles before she got to the parking lot and didn’t want to stop to change it for fear she’d miss her flight.  By the time she got to the lot she had no rubber on the wheel and the car had taken over in terms of finding its way.

One driver had his sights set on an unsuspecting suburban home and managed to eventually get all the way through the yard and nuzzle his vehicle against the front porch.  Along the way he found the house’s fishpond.  Unfortunately only 9 of the 12 known inhabitants of the pond were saved.   One driver, probably because he knew this was going to hurt, piloted his sedan through the front window of a hospital outpatient clinic.  Just as the weather was turning to consistent 70+ degree days did a car find its way into a backyard pool.  Then there was the lady who knew all this mayhem was occurring and felt it needed prayer.  So she drove right through the side entrance of a church.  God told her to.

And since we’ve been keeping things local we haven’t even mentioned the car that drove into the French subway station mistaking the wide stairs for a parking garage entrance.

Our tally since 2012 began?  Forty-four stationary objects have been the target of very bad driving.  Actually we’ve been holding back on one incident.  That was the driver who drove through a cemetery tilting a dozen headstones as if they were windmills.  We aren’t certain how to count that one.

What we are certain of is that what we were certain of – these were all cases of distracted driving – we aren’t certain of any more.  Could there really be that many drivers who are so oblivious that they can’t tell when they are about to hit the broad side of a barn?  We think this needs more concentration.  At least by the drivers!

Now, that’s what we think.  Really.  How ‘bout you?

 

Some Gave All

Michael Leave a comment

Happy Memorial Day!  If you really think about it, that is just so wrong.  For over 140 years, Memorial Day marked the day when Americans honored first those who died in the Civil War, then those who died in any war, then those who died.  The common theme is death.

Death, while just about always somber does is not always unhappy.  Many families due to distance or other circumstances only re-unite on the occasion of a death among them.  Quite often what began as sorrowful turns into a true celebration of life.  But “Happy Memorial Day?”  It still seems wrong.  Since the Americans started fighting as Americans in 1775, over 1.5 million Americans ceased being so other Americans would benefit from their sacrifice.

Sometime today the television news people will broadcast film of a cemetery lined with miniature American flags decorating simple crosses or markers.   Sometime today thousands of marchers will step off on a parade that will end at a memorial site where a bugler will play taps.  Sometime today you will open your Internet news or your local newspaper and see a picture of a color guard highlighting a member from each of the armed services.  Sometime today almost everybody will shed or stifle a tear because each of us knows somebody who played a part in us still being at liberty to watch TV, wave at the parade, or just explore our world. 

And sometime today we’ll forget why we celebrate today and just celebrate.  We’ll have cook-outs, play soft ball, reunite with family and friends, and have a good time.  And somewhere, 1.5 million souls will look down and smile, knowing what began as sorrowful turned into a true celebration of life. 

Happy Memorial Day!     

Now, that’s what we think.  Really.  How ‘bout you?

 

No, They Aren’t People Too

Michael Leave a comment

“We love our pets too,” the sign began.  After that there were a half-dozen examples of how much the authors of the sign loved their and others’ pets.  It finished with, “so please understand us when we say, no pets allowed.”  It was, and presumably still is a fair warning.  That sign is sharing space with the doorway to a used construction emporium.  An indoor junkyard if you will.

All throughout the building are stacks of windows, doors slid into stands, boxes of hinges and door pulls and faucet handles, rows of bath tubs, racks of counter tops, mountains of marble slabs, and hangers of hanging lamps.  Everywhere there are things made of wood, metal, glass, and porcelain.  All covered in the same dust the previous owners left and many with rusty connectors, sharp corners, and other things that hurt.  And right over there picking his way through the used kitchen counter tops on his way to the door frames is a middle-aged man attached by a leash to a forbidden dog.

He had to have seen the sign.  You couldn’t get in without seeing it.  And a sign that large means that something once happened and there should be no chance of letting it happen again.  He had to have seen it.  But he probably said to himself as his breezed on by, that was meant for people with animals.  His dog is a people.  His buddy.  His pal.  He wasn’t going to leave his best friend in a car while he perused the once heat producing radiators.  And he certainly wasn’t going to leave his only friend at home while he enjoyed his day of exploration among the once water-filled toilets.  Nope, he didn’t get to be his age and survive all alone without the help of his furry friend.  He certainly wasn’t going to turn his back on him on his only day away from the office just because he couldn’t find the right color lavatory sink at the home remodeling center.

Both of We love animals.  Together we span over 100 pet years.  At some point our houses have been home to dogs, cats, hamsters, rabbits, fish, crabs, and for a very brief time even a snake although technically he was a runaway.  Our pets have always held that special place in our hearts and our homes that are special to our pets also.  They’ve shared our spaces and our affections.  Our pet affections.  And pet spaces.  They didn’t go on vacations with us, and they don’t go to work with us.  When we see a sign that says “no dogs allowed” we don’t take that to mean no regular, aka other people’s dogs allowed.

Pets are pets.  They aren’t surrogate children.  They aren’t surrogate spouses.  They aren’t the exception to the rule.  If a tower of ceramic tiles is going to fall and the “special” dog happens to be standing there when they do, they aren’t going to stop in midair and wait for “special” to make his way clear of the danger aisle.

We don’t feel sorry for the person who can’t manage long term human relationships and has to settle for the four legged variety.   We feel sorry for the four legged variety stuck with the human who thinks “living a dog’s life” is a bad thing.

Now, that’s what we think.  Really.  How ‘bout you?

 

We Now Return You to Your Regularly Scheduled Interruption

Michael Leave a comment

Not too many days ago Both of We were running through the on-screen program guide on the television to see which of the 998 channels we’d grace with our viewing.  Unfortunately, none of the 7 or 8 commercial free channels had anything really worth while watching so we were pushed toward one of the commercially sponsored offerings.

After two or three times around the horn we found a movie we both like that had just started three or four minutes earlier.  We might miss the opening credits but we’ll certainly get to see the whole motion picture.  We should have known it wasn’t going to be one of the most meticulous showings of this particular movie.

We tuned in just as the screen faded on the opening scene and entered Commercial Land.  We’re ok with Commercial Land.  It serves a purpose.  It provides us with many movies, sporting events, shows, and news we’d not normally get to see if we had to rely on 100% Pay Per View.  Quite often you’re looking at a future headlining star mopping the floor or changing a tire.  And who of us hasn’t seen that special commercial that is better than the show it interrupts.

Twelve commercials later we were finally returned to our feature presentation.  Some of those commercials were of the 30 second variety, some 15 second spots.  Some of them were of the vanishing one minute genre.  Total time out was eight minutes.  At last we got to settle back and enjoy the film.  For about 12 minutes.  Then we were out for another 10 minutes of programmus interruptus.  For those of you keeping score, that’s now 34 minutes of programming comprised of the first 4 minutes that we missed followed by 8 minutes of selling followed by 12 minutes of movie followed by 10 minutes of more ads.  Our score: Movie 16, Sponsors 18.  In a game that shouldn’t be at all that close.

As we said, we’re ok with commercials.  But that was supposed to be between just us.  Somebody has to let the folks who sell ad time in on the secret that when you gather that many commercial minutes together in a single block we’re likely to go surfing for something with actors who have already become stars.  Maybe even on their way to hasbeen.  And nobody is all that crazy about the new blond with the big mop anyway.

At the rate these guys are selling time, pretty soon there will be more commercial than there is program.  We already have program length commercials.  Some of them actually might look informative but they are just selling vehicles.  We bet that when WNBT (now WNBC) broadcast the first commercial on July 1, 1941 (a 10 second spot for Bulova Watches) nobody envisioned an entire show made up of a commercial.  

If all things that go around really do come around we’ll soon be able to interrupt those infomercials with a program to keep people interested and watching.  We’re just not sure how it will appear in your program guide. 

Now, that’s what we think.  Really.  How ‘bout you?

Just Causes Just Because

Michael Leave a comment

About this time of year the local newspapers run a story or two about a young citizen making like a mature adult as he or she completes a senior project and raises a few dollars for a local charity.  Such is the case of a teen local to us who raised about $1500 for the Save Darfur effort, joining millions since 2003 who have poured millions of dollars into the lobbying effort to solicit U.S. intervention.

So it was a pleasant morning when She of We read about a local college student joining the Push America’s Journey of Hope effort to raise $600,000 for Americans with disabilities and He of We read an article about a sixteen year old high school sophomore starting her own effort to raise $8,000 for a local homeless shelter. 

What makes these pleasant?  These kids had no program to make, no project to complete, and knew of what they were getting into.  It’s possible that a high school senior knows about the atrocities of Darfur.  Plug in a liberal social studies teacher and it’s even probable.  It’s equally possible that a high school senior knows the money doesn’t go to on the ground efforts in Darfur but to professional lobbyists in Washington to try to convince Congress to provide support from the national coffers.  But for a high school sophomore to just decide to ask her fellow studies for money for a homeless shelter that’s a good dozen miles from her suburban home “just because” is quite remarkable.  Equally remarkable is for a young man to take an entire summer off from gainful employment or youthful enjoyment to ride a bicycle across the country to raise money for disabled Americans a mile at a time.

Giving money, time, and energy is nothing new for the young.  Often it’s because of their energy and time that youthful philanthropy can far outraise established charities.  For example, Penn State University’s annual Thon dance marathon, the largest student run philanthropy in the world, raised over $10.5 million dollars this year for research to combat pediatric cancer.

Whether measured in millions, the hundreds of thousands, or the thousands of dollars a quarter at a time, these children and young adults show they have the maturity that is missing in so much “professional” fundraising efforts of good cause from fighting genocide to rebuilding from natural disasters.  The problem with professional philanthropy like Safe Darfur, Katrina Fundraising, and Tsunami Relief Organization is that so much of the effort has been built around the administration of the money raised that a lot goes to the professionals and a little to the philanthropy.

It seems that the fundraisers that ask for a quarter at a time make more of that money, if not all of that money go to the people whose pictures are on the donation cans.  Maybe the professionals should step aside and like the young people take over.  They’re going to eventually.  Let them start helping those who really need our help. 

Maybe then we’ll have something more interesting for them to take over.

Now, that’s what we think.  Really.  How ‘bout you?

 

Take a Tip From Us

Michael Leave a comment

You know we’ve been pretty good at expressing our dismay when dismay is appropriate for expression.  A favorite of ours is the loss of “Thank you” by clerks, servers, tellers, and other manner of people who take money from us.  We’re told to “have a good one” or sometimes just are greeted with an open palm, not even the price repeated to us.  (See Terms of Appreciation, January 23, 2012 and You Want Fries With That? December 12, 2011 for a couple examples.)

But when we’re un-dismayed we’re going to mention that too.  Since we’ve released those two posts upon the world, we seem to be getting thanked more often.  Drive thru attendants are telling us the amount due, taking our payment, and saying “thank you” when returning our change.  We still get “Have a nice day” and now we will since we’ve been appropriately thanked for our purchase.   It gives us hope that another peeve will soon be history.  

Once upon a time in one of our posts we revealed that when out dining, He of We always pays in cash.  The check comes, he gives it that quick glance to make sure we didn’t get charge for the flambéed cocktail for two served to the next table, calculates the tip, counts out the bills, and returns the little bill book to the table.  (And why do restaurants put their mini-statements into little black books?  That’s another post for another day.)  A few minutes later the waitress comes back, picks up the wad of cash, and says, “You want any change?”  Sometimes during the mental communication between Each of We that waitress gets a good tongue lashing.  We’d love to say “Of course we do.  We don’t go to the super market, pick out $4.00 worth of green peppers, get to the cash register, give the clerk a five dollar bill and hear her ask ‘Do you want any change?’” 

No other clerk or money handler asks such a question.  And it’s really funny because even when the wait staff is completely incompetent they still get some sort of a tip.  So waiters and waitresses, please tell us, why do you have to ruin a perfectly good evening out by being so selfish and rude?  Wouldn’t you rather say, “I’ll be right back with your change,” and allow us the opportunity to say, “Oh, no. whatever’s left is for you.”  Wouldn’t you feel better about that than stiff-arming your customers for a couple of bucks?

We’re all for change.   And most of the time, you’re going to get it.  Just give us the courtesy of giving it to you before you take it.  You might even find a bit extra in there.

Now, that’s what we think.  Really.  How ‘bout you?