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Buttons, Buttons, Self-Controlling Buttons

Michael Leave a comment

In our last post we riled for a bit about buttons.  Buttons on the remote controls that we’re certain on there just to frustrate us when we’re trying to change channels in a dark room. We’ve discovered another set of buttons that are out to rule the world.  Unlike the irritating but basically innocent buttons of remote controls, household appliances, even car radio and climate controls, these buttons pose threats and real danger.  They are the buttons on your hand held electronic devices.

Phones, readers, and tablets all have those cunning buttons along their edges, built into the seams separating the front and back pieces, hiding where nobdoy with fat fingers or long nails can reach but are pushovers for a little pressure from a nearby pen in a briefcase.  Yes, they are…turned on remotely.

Consider these real life examples.  On a recent trip, He of We dutifully turned off his phone before boarding and slipped it into his carry-on soon to be stowed under the seat in front of him.  When arriving at his destination, he took it out to text his progress to She of We and discovered it was already on.  It was on without him having to have held the power button in until his finger went numb. Not long ago at a food court a young lady a couple tables away shrieked (yes, shrieked) in horror and dismay that her tablet not only turned itself on in the depths of her classic messenger bag, but had also drank up the last of the juice in its battery.

Power switches work both ways.  Both of We have had readers and phones turn themselves off.  Usually He of We’s phone magically turns itself off sometime before She of We calls, thus prompting wonderings of why he bothers to carry a phone that he never answers.

Turning electronics on or off isn’t all these device controllers do for themselves.  No, these pieces of silicon and solder switch modes, take pictures, open files, and call friends or relatives with no human assistance.  Remember that the next time your phone rings and you’re standing in the middle of an intersection yelling “Hello, hello.  You pocket dialed me again!” into it.

Buttons, buttons.  If they aren’t frustrating you when you can’t figure out what they do, they’re frustrating you by doing things on their own.  Maybe when the day of everything being voice activated comes along it wil all be better.  Yeah, right.

Now, that’s what we think. Really. How ‘bout you?

 

 

Buttons, Buttons, They Have Too Many Buttons

Michael 1 Comment

He of We never thought of them as too many until She of We brought it up.  After all, there were only three of them.  But to be honest about it, one was confusing, one didn’t make any changes, and one nobody really knew what it did.  But still, how confusing could it be.  After all, it’s only a toaster.

She of We has been on an anti-button quest for as long as He of We has known her. “All you need is power, volume, and channel,” she often says of the TV remote.  He of We secretly agrees with her but sometimes really just wishes for one remote. The one for the cable that’s suppsoed to run everything never does and the one for the DVD is never there when you need it.  But fewer remotes mean more buttons.  Or does it.  Even if one remote is running three or even four entertainment devices, the commands are as universal as the remotes are supposed to be.  Power, volume, channel, and for the DVD, play and stop.  Throw a “menu” button in for the DVD and the cable and that’s still only 10 buttons.

The point of too many buttons was hammered home the day She of We counted them.  Fifty-three buttons on the cable remote, 32 on the TV remote, 19 on the microwave, and 10 on the coffee maker. Do they all have to be so complicated.  It’s like all of the appliances were designerd by committee.  Perhaps they were.  Hopefully they won’t revolt.

As we’re typing this, we’re counting buttons.  Excluding those for the letters and numbers, this computer has 27 additional buttons.  That’s 27 more buttons than a classic Underwood typewriter of 85 years ago.  And it gets us to the Internet and around the world.  Yet the cable remote has twice as many buttons and it barely gets us around the channel guide.  Like that third mystery button on the toaster, we aren’t actually even certain that they all do anything.

Se here’s our advice for the electrical engineer who is charged with designing people friendly accessories.  Power.  Channel.  Volume.

Now, that’s what we think. Really. How ‘bout you?

Welcome to Black Cyber Month

Michael 1 Comment

Here we are, a week past Thanksgiving and we’re still seeing Black Friday ads.  Forget Cyber Monday.  Since they’ve declared this to be Cyber Week we’ll see those ads until Dec. 23 when with overnight expedited far from free delivery you too can have that present under the tree on Christmas Eve.

We have nothing against Black Friday or sales in general.  We like sales.  Some of our best buys have been during sales.  Of course some of the better ones haven’t been but that’s a different post.  What we have against this shopping period is the barrage of ads that accompany the sales.  It seems everything is on sale and that’s probably why Americans are expected to spend $590 billion dollars between Thanksgiving and Christmas.  But what’s wrong with the other 333 days of the year?

Maybe people aren’t shopping so much on those other days because the selection now is so diverse; nothing can compare to it during the rest of the year.  Just this morning, He of We got an e-mail ad for laser tattoo removal (Save Over 75%!).  He has no tattoos but is considering it for a gift. 

Maybe people aren’t shopping on those days because it’s now that we see the lowest prices we’ll get on some basic items.  On Cyber Monday morning on one of the national network news shows, a consumer analyst called Cyber Monday her “socks and underwear day” because the prices are so good and with free shipping she can buy a year’s worth of these staple items for what she’d normally pay for a couple of packages at full retail. 

We have to admit that if it weren’t for the Thanksgiving to Christmas shopping period we’d not receive some of our favorite mail of the year – the holiday gift catalog.  It’s a little too early to find the most outrageous potential gift item but keep reading and we’ll soon revisit our favorites for this year like we did last (see “Buy the Way,” December 1, 2011 from LIFE).  In the running are rechargeable illuminated wrenches with stand ($79.95) and the home cellulite smoother kit ($1,500 plus shipping).

But then, what better stocking stuffers are there than socks and underwear?

Now, that’s what we think. Really. How ‘bout you?

 

…or is it…

Michael Leave a comment

Thanksgiving came early this year.  Actually it was absolutely the earliest it could possibly be.  Even as early as it could be, among other holiday traditions across America we still saw live trees strapped to the top of cars barreling from lot to house to have the annual Weekend After Thanksgiving Decorating Tradition take place.

That reminded us of last year’s post, “Is it live…” and so we re-present it here.

—–

This weekend was the weekend after Thanksgiving and we were out on the road, but not for a big after Thanksgiving shopping spree.  No Black Friday deals for us.  But out we were and there were stores visited, restaurants patronized, the public encountered, and stories to be told.

We could talk about how traffic laws in our state seem to have become traffic suggestions, and not very well taken suggestions.  We could talk about how waiters, waitresses, and bartenders no longer associate the term “service industry” with their chosen (or fallen into) profession.  We could even talk about how somewhere in between “May I help you?” and “Happy Holidays!” this year’s crop of shoppers and clerks are ruder than we’ve seen for quite a few years. 

Today we’re going to talk about that never ending holiday controversy, live or artificial.  On a day that begins its date with “November,” cars with live trees tied to their roofs began their journeys to becoming kindling. 

And so we debated.  Live trees smell good.  Wet charcoal does not.  Pre-lit artificial trees completely fulfill that designation only for Year One of its proclaimed 20 year lifespan.  Live trees need watered every day and there is no graceful way to crawl under the long, low hanging branches with a plastic bowl of water stretching to reach the reservoir into which the tree has become permanently attached (note for tree removal day).  Live trees don‘t need watered daily if one owns an old male dog who can’t hold his water until you get home from work.  (Live trees smell good.  Dog drenched carpet does not.)   Live trees come in thousands of shades of green found only in nature.  Artificial trees come in light green, dark green, and pink.  Artificial tree branches can be re-arranged so every ornament, no matter size or shape, can be placed exactly where you want it.  Live tree branches bend, release, and fling your Lenox collectible ornament through three rooms before smashing into the curio cabinet filled with the Swarovski crystal collection.

Did we resolve the debate?  Can two people who are dodging speeding drivers in search of big bargains list all of the pros and cons of live versus artificial?  No, it will take thousands of trips over many years to complete the list.  Until then, feel free to take your own side of the debate and decorate with whatever best reflects your style and family life.  But please do us a favor.  If you’re planning on live, remember that a cut flower cannot live in a vase for 5 weeks.  A live tree cut from its roots and left in a cup of water won’t last that long either. 

Keep your tree fed, watered, and happy.  If you’re planning on artificial, remember that just because you can erect one in each room and mount thousands of lights on them that you still risk tripped circuits and melted plastic – hot, fire prone melted plastic. 

Don’t be a newscast waiting to happen.  The only smoke anyone should see on Christmas Eve is from the stump of the pipe held in Santa’s teeth while encircling his head just like a wreath.

Now, that’s what we think.  Really.  How ‘bout you?

 

 

Thank You, Again

Michael 1 Comment

This year there will be a group of WalMart stores that when the others open after Thanksgiving dinner, they probably will not.  It was big news in our area that workers in these stores will be the representatives protesting having to work Thanksgiving Day.  It filled part of the front page and some minutes of on air news time on the days leading to Thanksgiving. 

We were in a your basic average retail discount department store the night before Thanksgiving picking up some last minute items to make our feast festive when we found out that chain will open at 7am on Thanksgiving morning.  It got us to thinking about how many people work on the holidays now.  It wasn’t always and probably never really has to be.  But even if you closed all of the stores and malls and outlets there would still be many at work.  Last year we paid them our thanks.  We can’t say it any better this year so we’re going to say it again.

Think way back, back to the day when all of those stores were closed on holidays, Sundays and most other days after 5.  But even then there was a corps of people who knew that when the holidays came around they were just as likely to be at work as they were on any Tuesday afternoon.  To these people we say, “Thank You!!!”

Thank you to…   Firemen, policemen, paramedics, and ambulance drivers.  First responders of every kind.  The members of our armed forces.  Hospital workers.  Priests, ministers, rabbis, and other men and women “of the cloth.”  Newspaper production and delivery people, reporters, television and radio engineers, producers, directors, and on-air personalities.  Toll collectors, train engineers, pilots, co-pilots, flight attendants.  Bus drivers and taxi drivers.  Air traffic controllers, airport security, baggage handlers, and airplane maintenance.  Train station and bus depot ticket sellers and collectors.  Hotel receptionists and housekeepers.  Restaurant cooks, servers, bus-people and hosts/hostesses.  Bartenders.  Electric company, gas company, telephone company, water company, sewage company, alarm company, and cable company repair and emergency service employees.   Tow truck drivers, snow plow drivers, and street repair people on a moment’s notice.  Commercial truck drivers and freight handlers.  Couriers.  Nursing home, personal care home, retirement home and home health care workers.  Security guards.  Heating and air-conditioning technicians, plumbers, and electricians when they least expect it.  Gas station attendants and clerks at convenience stores with convenient hours (yes, retail stores but they have always been open).

Did we miss anybody?  We’re sorry if we did.  Please feel free to add them in a comment, extend the list, and keep the thanks going.  We’re also sorry if we couldn’t come up with the official job title or this week’s most politically correct reference.  In our experience, most of these people care more about the service they are providing than the name they are called.  That’s why most of these people are in jobs that risk being scheduled or holidays, weekends, evenings, and nights.  They are the ones likely to do something for you and then say thank you more than they expect to be told thank you. 

Please, don’t forget these folks.  Someday you’ll want to thank them.  Now would be a good time.

Now, that’s what we think.  Really.  How ‘bout you?

 

 

Strike Three

Michael Leave a comment

Twinkie, Twinkie, little cake
No longer now will you bake.
The salaries were much too high.
The union said pay up or die.
Twinkie, Twinkie, little cake
How much did they think they’d make.

Unfortunately there are over 18,000 workers with nowhere to go on the next regularly scheduled business day and who knows how many investors (you remember investors, they are the ones who actually put up the money) have no next regularly scheduled business.

Nobody wins win you have to strike for money.  You can strike to prevent workers from entering dangerous conditions.  Back when mine workers had to send in birds then wait to see if they died from methane gas exposure there were dangerous conditions one should strike against.  Back when seamstresses were locked in textile mills and not permitted to leave until an arbitrary but always high number of garments were finished regardless of a workers physical condition there were dangerous conditions.  When delivery personnel had to handle unbroken horses pulling unarmored wagons across often violent territory, there were dangerous conditions.

Because a worker wants more money is not a reason to strike.  Everybody wants more money.  Even the President of the United States wants more money but he doesn’t go on strike, he gets another job.  For him it was part time author while he wasn’t busy dong presidential things.  If the bakers at Hostess wanted more money, they could have worked harder.  Instead, they were sold a bill of goods by a union (whose officers and employees still have jobs to go to) that if they paid their union dues the union would get them more money.  We don’t recall ever seeing a news article that a union has offered to reduce their dues for workers who have been asked to work for less than what the union demands.  

As a matter of economics, and recognizing that owners are just as greedy as workers, those who lose the most during union negotiations are, well, everybody.  Take this example.  Let’s say that it takes $100 to build a chair. The chair company has 10 workers and each builds 10 chairs a year.  The workers each get $50 a chair and the company spends $5,000 on salaries.  They also pay $3,000 on health insurance.  Electricity costs $1,000 and the wood, glue, and nails cost $1,000.  That’s $10,000 for that company to build those chairs this year.  The owner who puts up all the money sells each chair for $125.   And he makes $2,500 a year if he sells all 100 chairs.  In year 2, the chair makers go to the owner and ask for 10% more this year raising their salary from $50 per chair to $55 or $550 per worker or $5,500 in total salaries.  The owner asks how many more chairs the workers will make.  No more chairs, just the same 10.  So at the end of the year 2, if the owner sells all 100 chairs he will lose $500 from his previous salary.  Instead of risking that, he’s going to raise his chair prices to $130 to make up the $500 difference.  Across the street at the table factory the workers are demanding more money this year.  Why?  Because the cost of living is going up.  Have you seen how much chairs cost nowadays?

It’s a very simple example but it’s the core problem with unions.  Every time someone gets more, somebody else needs more just to keep up.  All for money.

Someday somebody will buy the trademark and rights to the Twinkie name and the world will be happy again.  Except for those workers who will now want more money because the price of milk just went up.

Now, that’s what we think. Really. How ‘bout you?

(For more of our thoughts on unions, See Union Made, June 18, 2012 in Humor.  Yep, in Humor.)

 

 

Shades of Camo

Michael Leave a comment

We have all at least once had that elusive dream of writing the great American novel.  Those of you in Australia, Canada, the UK, and other points outward please substitute your favorite country in that description.  We’re a little busy and probably can’t take the time right now to generate a really good, steamy, no holds barred, sexy, sensual, erotic, thriller.  But if you have some spare time, here’s our idea.

First we start with a really implausible triangle.  Let’s take two high ranking, make that very, very high ranking military officers.  A couple of 4 star generals will do.  Now let’s throw in a young chick who doesn’t have a real job but is always throwing parties for her best buds over at the nearby air force base.   Now we need the side characters.  Let’s toss in a clingy mistress, an evil twin, and a recently re-elected president.  And give each of the main characters spouses.  We figure one wife who will stand by her man, one husband who chases tail all day at work, and another wife who doesn’t come out at all until the next to the last chapter.

Now that we have the characters we need a good implausible plot.  Boy grows up never learning to shoot a BB gun and swears he’ll become the most powerful military leader of the free world, so powerful that eventually they’ll ask him to use his powers to spy on the rest of the world and so good at that someday women all over the world will fight for the opportunity to “write his biography” (wink, wink). While all that is going on, another boy grows up to learn the value of saving all of his testosterone for future letter writing when he’ll someday use it to become famous for e-mailing over 20,000 pages of flirty flim flam.  Nobody can write “oh baby, baby” as many times as he can and mean it!   They all meet at a party hosted by the women of no visible means of support where each vies for the opportunity to tell the world just how good a mother the hostess’s sister is.

Meanwhile, the mistress is missing out on all the fun and sends respectful requests to the party-girl that she better not be writing a biography (wink, wink) too.  When her advances bring no responses she ups the ante and uses dirty words.  Now she’s done it.  The merrymaker goes to the local office of the secret national police to complain.  Fortunately the young officer who takes her complaint takes a special, and shirtless, personal interest in her and swears he’ll not rest until heads roll over the bad behavior the world has shown her.  Why it has him so steamed that his muscles bulge ala the Incredible Hulk until he busts out of his shirt rendering him shirtless.  And special.

General Number Two continues to write “oh baby, baby” 100,000 times on the electronic black board.

General Number One sensing something bad is about to happen urges his biographer (wink, wink) to chill on the respectful requests and while we’re at it, breaks up with her.  “No dice,” the writer (wink, wink) says, “nobody is going to make me forget about my illicit love affair, not you, not her, not even my husband.”

And General Number Two continues to write “oh baby, baby” another 100,000 times while waiting for the little blue pill to kick in.

Soon the Geeky Squad has confiscated everybody’s computer where they find a draft of a not yet delivered press release saying, “It wasn’t me, it was my evil twin. She’s the bad one!” and signed by both sisters.

General Number Two adds several more thousand “oh baby, baby” to his list.

While all this is going on the newly re-elected president is not happy.  (That’s the short chapter.)

And General Number Two writes, “oh baby, baby.  Hoo hah!”  (Probably the little blue pill finally, well, you know.)

So, what do you think.  We’re certain it will be a hit.  It’s just impossible enough that people will actually believe it and it could sell millions.  But if you’re not so certain about that one, we have another idea. It’s about a very, very high ranking military officer who is demoted for padding his expense account by close to $100,000 while living in Africa.  How can you spend $100,000 in Africa?  Organic Lion Chow of course.

Hoo hah.   

Now, that’s what we think. Really. How ‘bout you?

 

 

Forgotten West Virginia

Michael Leave a comment

The post Hurricane Sandy news yesterday was that power would finally be restored to most of those in New York and New Jersey who had been without electricity for two weeks.  Nobody said anything about West Virginia.

At the height of the storm, whatever weather you were facing, wherever you were, was the most important news of the time.  As your weather crisis passed, whether it was weather, weather related, or just interesting, you turned your attention to the New Jersey New York Sandy Aftermath or whatever clever title your favorite news outlet wanted to give to the disaster.  The country was riveted to their televisions watching how New York City was recovering from the storm. Except some in West Virginia.

With all the sympathy and support, assistance and aid due the residents of New York and New Jersey, please don’t forget the already forgotten in West Virginia.  Thousands there are still without power, phone, water, and roads.  In West Virginia the storm story wasn’t water, it was snow.  Snow measured in feet was dumped on the Northeast counties of West Virginia in the mountains near the Pennsylvania border.  As the snow fell so did trees and electric poles and with them power. 

There the power wasn’t just for heating and cooling and refrigeration and lights.  There many of the houses’ water supplies are from wells and power is needed to run the pumps to bring water to the house for drinking, bathing, washing, and flushing.

As the snow and the trees and the poles fell on West Virginia, a lot of that fell on the roads.  Many are still impassable which is why many are still without and will continue to be without electricity, school, work, and trips to the store.   Local officials project it will take up to six months to clear the roads, the roads they were attempting to clear from a previous wind storm before Sandy hit.

Wherever disasters hit, decency follows.  Many of the residents were able to help themselves and their neighbors clearing roads with their own tractors and being able to get to those who needed the most help.  When those with the power (political, not electric) couldn’t get to those who needed to get to someplace warm, or to get to medical aid, or to get to their prescription refills, the neighbors did.  When electricity or natural gas wasn’t available with which to cook and heat, neighbors delivered propane tanks and stoves to those who then could and did.  

That some can dig their way out to help others is a remarkable story someone should tell.  If someone can get there.  While Homeland Security officials toured the devastated areas in New York and New Jersey, they attended a briefing in West Virginia’s capital a couple hundred miles away. 

Don’t take away from the efforts to restore normalcy to the coast.  And don’t forget to give to the efforts to do the same in the mountains.

Now, that’s what we think. Really. How ‘bout you?

 

Things We Learned On Election Day

Michael Leave a comment

The election is over.  According to the news coverage of this year’s Presidential election, we learned that candidates through social media were able to go directly to the voters and skip the traditional news outlet thus creating excitement in getting out and voting in numbers we’ve not seen before.  Worldwide there was more interest in our election by some people than in the elections in their own countries.  It came after a campaign that stretched over 17 months and $8 billion.  Anything that big must have some lasting lessons learned.  Here are ours.

When Election Day falls on the first really cold day of the year, people get to break out their winterwear for the first time.  This means that many of them will end up wearing lift tickets from last ski season on their jackets like either a) a medal attesting to their prowess on the beginners’ slope, b) visible proof that they are of the means to take ski vacations even if it was 8 months ago, or c) equally visible proof that they don’t have a mirror handy to the front door.

There will be at least one person within 15 feet of you who is at the wrong precinct and will do his darnedest to try convincing the judge of elections to let him vote where he already is.

Even though at the primaries people were very obvious about who they were supporting for a variety of offices by wearing buttons, carrying signs, or having their favorite candidate’s name carved into their hairstyle, when the general election rolls around it is very obvious that nobody wants to admit who they are supporting by the complete lack or signs, cards, signs, placards and buttons, or the unexplained presence of hair extensions.

Somebody is going to have a hat that will make others want to laugh out loud.  Somebody else will be wearing gloves that don’t match.

Speaking of signs, campaign signs on public roadsides, intersections, and highway exit ramps will remain there forever next to the Humphrey/Muskie signs behind the guide rail.

People who want their first graders to experience democracy in action should do it after school because doing it before on an election day that is supposed to bring out 115% of registered voters will cause the child to steam and scream when he and/or she figures out that school started 10 minutes ago.

Newscasters really do believe states are either red or blue.

If you’re standing in a line outside a polling place there will be somebody behind you who wants to talk to somebody in front of you and the somebody in front of you will always invite the somebody behind you to come up and join him but never the other way around.

It doesn’t matter who won, who lost, or who got a write-in vote, but it matters very much that the campaigns are over and we can now go back to watching television ads for the magic ear wax vacuum.

Now, that’s what we think. Really. How ‘bout you?

 

 

Wordsmithing

Michael Leave a comment

On the eve of the Presidential election, as Americans ponder the future of the country, while candidates’ supporters prepare to campaign right at the voting places, and as poll workers prepare voting machines, we were wondering, can people be victimized by a hurricane?

It started during a television news program that detailed the current conditions of the victims of Hurricane Sandy.  Isn’t a victim more one who is the receiver of a planned, illicit or improper action?  People are victims of crime.  People are victims of corrupt investment schemes.  Natural disasters might grow from specific conditions but they aren’t planned.  They may be dangerous but they aren’t corrupt.  They are inopportune but aren’t improper.  We got to thinking that the “victims” of Hurricane Sandy aren’t victims but are casualties.  The media may want to use victim to personify the physical, mental, emotional, and financial injuries of those whose paths were crossed by the storm.  The injuries are personal.  Making the cause of them so doesn’t make them more or less severe.  Calling those whose lives have been disrupted by Sandy victims minimizes what they truly are, casualties. 

On the eve of the Presidential election, She of We starts a new job.  She had been at her old one for over a decade and was a key player for her now former employer.  She often received offers from others and one finally came that was harder to refuse than not.  The stages of employee loss are not unlike the stages of grief.  You disbelieve, you question, you bargain, you express anger, you accept.  Her boss went straight to angry and hung out there, giving up anger only when he exhibited selfishness.  “You’re disrupting my life,” he told her upon hearing the news.  Having your house underwater, on fire, in small pieces after an explosion, or just not there is a disruption of life.

On the eve of the Presidential election, instead of sportscasters pondering whether the ultimate winner of the New York City Marathon could have been caught in the last quarter mile they are instead reduced to discussing football games that were and hockey games that weren’t.  That’s because after days of interminable announcements about how good it would be for the city to hold the marathon as scheduled, somebody spoke sense to the mayor to give up the selfish view that nothing is going to stop the famed run and declare it inappropriate to hold while others in New York City have no home to go to after running their own personal marathons.

On the eve of the Presidential election, people are still calling into talk shows and posting comments on line in response to Conan O’Brien’s remarks that “It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown,” is too mean for today’s children.  Today’s children can’t handle the cruel reality of life that while some children will grow up to be famous television personalities, some will get rocks in their treat bags of life.  It’s inappropriate that Lucy is allowed to say the things she says to Charlie Brown but it’s not too mean for television news to show over a hundred houses burn to the ground where children once lived.  The cruel reality is that television networks see the potential for huge ratings and awards of excellence for their stark presentation of a natural disaster.

On the eve of the Presidential election, millions of dollars are still being spent on television, radio, electronic, print, and direct mail advertising.  Candidates selfishly tell us lies about their opponents and themselves while being inappropriately excluded from the prohibition against automated phone sales.  It’s mean that they would rather continue to spend the money on telling us how much we will be victimized by their opponents instead of spending it on reducing the real suffering from the cruelty of life that Sandy wrought.  Just think each time you see or hear a political ad today about how much good could have been done had that money been donated to the millions whose lives have been disrupted. 

We don’t want to be mean about it.  We’re just saying is that what you really meant to say?

Now, that’s what we think. Really. How ‘bout you?