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Mystery Foods of the U.S.

Michael Leave a comment

You probably heard.  The McRib is back. Since 1981 with a couple years off for good behavior, the mysterious McRib has been a cult hero of fast food sandwiches. The real mystery isn’t the meat, it’s the reason. Why do this and other foods intrigue us so?

In our home town as in everybody else’s home town that has a home town bar, we had a home town bar that actually had on the menu, The Mystery Sandwich. The great difference between our mystery sandwich and others are the UPPER CASE LETTERS. Where so many sandwich makers might put up “Daily Special,” “Chef’s Choice,” or “Joe’s Favorite,” our bar cut through the nonsense and called it what it is. So many leftovers of whatever happened to be at the bottom of the meat tray piled high with various cheeses, lettuce, and mayonnaise, on a toasted roll. Or bread. Or bun. Who knew what was in there. Who cared. It is a mystery. Or was. The famous Mystery Sandwich disappeared when the iconic bar went down and a drug store took its place. Intriguing.

Philadelphia calls itself the home of the cheesesteak. To anybody who ever had a true, original, bona fide, Philly cheesesteak there are mysteries galore. First, there’s the cheese. A true Philadelphian will argue the only true cheese for a true cheesesteak is Cheese Wiz. Melted. We no surer that Wiz is cheese than we are that McRib is rib. The other mystery is who runs those shops, the Soup Nazi? If you find yourself in South Philadelphia around the Italian Market you’ll find yourself around the two super steak shops each claiming to be the best, the original, the top dog if they were selling hot dogs. And at each you’d find a sign outside with instructions on how to order your sandwich. And if you break the rules? No steak for you! Very intriguing.

Coca-Cola, Pepsi, Dr. Pepper. All “invented” in drug stores by pharmacists. Really. We knew that. Actually, really not. Oh they all grew from drug stores and pharmacists were the recipes’ creators. But they weren’t coming up with refreshing summer afternoon soft drinks. These were die hard health drinks. Spring water was the root of all that was healthy. Mineral spring water an even deeper root. Bubbling mineral spring water was the cure all without the wink! And all available to you at the pull of a handle at a soda stand. How to get you into Danny’s Drug Store when Freddie’s Pharmacy was so much closer? Add flavor to the life saving water. And while we’re at it, add just a touch of tobacco, caffeine, or even cocaine. They were the original energy drinks. And a mystery that when the Harrison Act of 1914 prohibited the sale of opiates without a prescription is these drinks kept their energy. Most intriguing.

A century and then some ago, Americans mining iron in Cuba searched for a way to quench their thirst. They turned to what was plentiful. Sugar, limes, and rum. And the daiquiri was born. A teaspoon of sugar, the juice of one lime, and an ounce or two or rum, poured over ice equals instant refreshment. And not at all similar to the frozen fruit flavored concoctions one finds in American bars today. How did the one lead to the other. It might be Ernest Hemingway’s fault. Hemingway was a daiquiri connoisseur and his regular purveyor of the cocktail was the Floridita bar in Havana. There many variations of the drink were begun. One involved blending the original ingredients with ice then straining it through a sieve into a frosted glass. Some postulate that because it took so long to strain the icy concoction many yeilded to temptation to just pour the slushy mix into a glass and go at it before the ice melted and you were left with a warm, watered down lime-aid. Intriguingly intriguing.

So there are just a few of the food mysteries that we quite literally relish. In just a few weeks the McRib will be gone, but we’re ready to guess that by then you’ll have thought of an intriguing mystery sandwich, drink, or combination of your own!

Now, that’s what we think. Really. How ‘bout you?

 

Welcome to 2013. Now Go Away

Michael Leave a comment

Just because we don’t make resolutions until Spring is upon us (See Resolving to Keep it Real, Dec. 31, 2012) doesn’t mean we can’t be urged into encouraging others to change their behavior post haste.  We’ve gotten to experience some horrible behavior that could fill an entire year in only the first week.  And that behavior must stop.

We encountered the one that put us over the edge while we were coming out of the store and walking to our car, some 150 feet from the entrance.  As we approached it, the anything but a gentleman sitting in the car parked next to ours, started beeping his horn.  And then again.  Longer.  And then we saw why.  His certainly long-suffering wife was behind us trudging through the cold and the slush with their packages.  Apparently he felt it more prudent that he stay in the warm car while she goes into the store and buys his wares.  He also felt it more prudent that he sit in the warm car rather than picking her up at the entrance.  He knew she was done with their shopping.  He was honking the horn at her.  There was the extent of his chivalry.  He honked the horn so she didn’t have to wander throughout the lot looking for him.  Then to top things off, he let that car continue to sit in the parking space.  The one that had a snow bank just outside the passenger door.  When She of We said a bit too out loud, “He won’t even back out for her so she doesn’t have to climb through the snow,” the long-suffering wife said, “It’s ok. I’m used to it.”  She shouldn’t have to ever become used to such rude behavior.  So for 2013 he should resolve to figure out how to get along without her because eventually she’ll realize that also.

Other behavior we’d like to see not continued in 2013 is the media fascination with having to title all the news.  No longer are they happy reporting it.  Now they have to make up catch phrases to go along with it.  So please, take your fiscal cliff and go jump off of it.  Otherwise let’s at least have a little fun with it.  Since we’ve either avoided it or fallen off of it depending on what analyst is babbling, it should no longer be part of the evening news’ scripts.  But just in case it should sneak back into common parlance we propose the Fiscal Cliff Drinking Game.  Every time you hear that phrase you must drink a shot then call your congressman. 

Speaking of, and to, Congress, we’d like to see you go away.  You’re not doing anybody any good.  Make you’re next point of business for this session abandonment.  If you don’t have the decency to put yourself out of work, have the decency not to lie to the American people about the work you’re doing.  The “heroic” first vote to avoid the “fiscal cliff” saved the American worker about 20 cents for every $1,000 he or she makes in salary in what was supposed to be the temporary income tax increase.  It did not address the $2 per $1,000 increase in social security and other federal taxes and fees that will be withheld per month in 2013.  That means about $50 less per paycheck if your one of the average Americans getting paid every other week and if all those paychecks up add to $50,000 by the end of the year.

Finally for the fine men, women, and undecided in Washington please do not use 2013 to tell us how many jobs you’ve created.  Unless you also own a company that employs legal American workers you can’t create any.  Leave creating jobs to the business that actually hire, and pay, employees.  Intern and housekeeper positions don’t count.

Something else we’d like to see go away are all those special parking spaces around stores and restaurants.  We love our elder friends and neighbors.  We’ve often said that anybody over 80 can do whatever they feel like.  By then, they’ve earned it.  (See Entitlement Program, March 29, 2012.)  We’d like to see some of those parking spaces reserved for “Mothers to be and mothers of young children,” and for those picking up dinner to go, and even for those with Handicapped placards, turned into spaces for our Older Friends and Neighbors.  The eighty-somethings who are still driving do it well, and they aren’t the ones cajoling their doctors into signing HP applications for their high blood pressure.  Why should they have to walk 300 feet from the lot to the lobby?   Let’s face it, if you’re just running in for dinner, you can afford to run from a few yards away, or bring one of the kids to run inside while you circle the block.  So you’re a mother of young children.  Being parents of former young children from the days when there were no such preferred spots we can tell you our best shopping trips were those with the kids left at home.  Leave them at home.

Now that we are well into the 21st century, a time of unprecedented public protection against ourselves, we want to see the sale of sleds that cannot be steered or stopped stopped.  You can’t by an extra-large, sugary soft drink in New York City but you can put four 7-year-olds on a plastic sleeve, push them down a hill, and wish them luck knowing at the bottom is a 4 lane roadway separated from the top by a dozen 45 year old oak trees.  You can’t buy a lighter that takes at least three steps to ignite to start your grill for the safety of a child who may not understand that it isn’t a candy stick but you can buy an oversized Frisbee that sets the same child spinning uncontrollably on its downhill voyage over the same tree lined hillside.  We love winter sports.  Sledding, skiing, and skating make January and February bearable.  But let’s do it safely.  Nobody would ever put children on bicycles without brakes or a wheel that steers in April.  Let’s say goodbye to the winter version and stop making children headlines on the evening news.

Do we seem a little cranky today?  We’re sorry.  Usually we are quite upbeat and make the most of what we have.   Sometimes you have to take away to have better.  These are some things we like to see taken away.  Do you have others?  Would you like to see Black Friday not start on Thursday?  Is it time to make the baggage, premium seating, and boarding priority fees go away even if it does mean airfares go up?  Can we stop with gas prices that end in tenths of a cent per gallon?  Let us know.  We can be cranky together.  And then, that can go away too.

Now, that’s what we think.  Really.  How ‘bout you?

 

Real Restaurant Rules

Michael 3 Comments

It’s not often that we invoke actual rules for Real Reality Show Blog readers.  After all, real reality is what you make of it.  But last year was not a banner year for eating out.  We saw poor behavior by almost every facet of the restaurant industry from cooks to coat check attendants.  It was on New Year’s Eve that we finally had to say, “Somebody has got to take control here.”  And those somebodies are us! 

Last summer we found out that if we walk up to a hostess stand and there are three or more workers there, we should turn around and walk away.  We’re not certain but we think that two of the three may have been on their cell phones with each other.  Whatever they were doing they weren’t working on seating the next party.  Since there was then a lack of available seating there seemed little else for the hostesses to do.  Folding linen, polishing flatware, bussing tables, doing anything would have been preferred over just standing around in front of potential patrons waiting for a place to sit.  A tip for the front of the house.

Just a few weeks ago we found out that if you can smell the garlic as you are walked to your table, don’t order the scampi.  We did but She of We did anyway.  It wasn’t all that bad.  Sometimes it’s good to sleep on the couch.  And more and more we need to ask if al dente when applied to vegetables is a code word for raw.  It confuses our mouths when the broccoli is hard and crunchy and the pasta is slightly over done in that not quite mushy manner that happens when you over re-heat what you prepped earlier in the day.  A couple tips for the back of the house.

But by and large, our most disappointment came at the hands of those into whose hands we put our dining experience, the servers.  We’ve tried hinting.  We’ve left a tip here and there.  We’ve held tips back here and there!  We think it’s time for rules.  Real rules for restaurant servers.

                    Rule Number 1.  Tell us the specials when you greet us.  We hate when we are seated, given menus, asked for drink orders, finally decided what we want to eat and then have our server say, “Let me tell you about this evening’s specials.”  You can tell us but either we’re going to not listen because we want to remember what it is we decided on from the menu or you’re going to have to go away again while we reconsider our choices. 
                    Rule Number Next.  When you take our order would be a good time to tell us the chef’s favorite, your favorite, or if there is something everybody has raved about that evening.  It was at our New Year’s Eve dinner at a very fine restaurant with normally very fine food and service that our waitress insisted on telling us what she likes to eat for each course AFTER each course was served.  By the time the dessert menu came out we thought about just having her order for us.   
                    Rule Number Next and a Half.  Please taste what you serve.  Although we appreciate the honesty of “I don’t know, I never had it here,” we don’t appreciate the lack of attention to detail that you wouldn’t want to know everything there is to know about the food you serve.   We watch all the cooking shows but we still don’t know all the jargon or even all the food.  Is broccolini a pasta or a vegetable.  Or is that boccone?  Bocconcini is the pasta?  You can help us.  Robert Irvine would be proud of you.
                    Rule Number the One After That.  Pay attention to the table’s flow.  If we are still working on our appetizers, do not bring out the soup.  It was around Thanksgiving when the last thing we wanted was more turkey.  So we ambled over to a nearby Italian restaurant where we had the ultimate plan.  A smokey fonduta, a classic Caesar, some decadently cheesey pastas, topped off with a course of zeppole.  Heaven.  What we got was our salad first, the appetizer and entrée together, and we left without ordering dessert.  There is a rule (and not ours) that never should new plates be served until old plates are cleared.  Unfortunately like most speed limit laws that seems to have turned into a suggestion.  We were even willing to ignore the fact that the waitress reminded us at each table visit that it was her first night.  We’re actually the perfect couple to break in new staff.  We’re very low maintenance, rarely order off the menu, and generally tip well.  Then there are those times when even we can’t turn the lifelong served one into a number one server.  
                    Rule Next to the Last.  Know why you stopped by.  We are convinced that most wait persons have no idea why they stop back after serving a course to ask if everything is ok.  Well, that’s the reason.  It’s not to see if we’re enjoying ourselves.  It’s an opportunity to confirm that what we were served is prepared properly and as we ordered it.  The question should be, “Is everything as you expected?”  If you get the urge to tell us that you thought we’d enjoy it even though you always have it with chicken, please see one of the rules above. Something up there covers that.
                    Rule Last.  When you bring us our check and we decide to pay in cash don’t ask us if we want change.  If you were working at the mega mart and someone handed over a wad of bills for their groceries would you ask if the shopper wanted change?  Assume we want what is ours.  If you feel you have to say something, say, “I’ll be right back with your change.”  If we decide to share some of that with you, we’ll let you know.

So for the waitstaff workforce out there, there are our tips for you.  No, not tips, not advice, not veiled hints.  Those are our rules.  There aren’t hard to follow and those who do will be richly rewarded.  We have some favorite servers we don’t even wait for change from.  That’s a rule too.

Now, that’s what we think.  Really.  How ‘bout you?

 

Resolving to Keep It Real

Michael 2 Comments

Last year the Monday adjacent to New Year’s Day was actually January 2.  We called it the day resolutions die and posed that if we made our annual resolutions more toward a climatic re-awakening, say the beginning of spring, we’d be more likely to keep them for more than 24 hours.  So last year we made our resolution to make our resolutions come spring.  (See Be It Resolved, Jan. 2, 2012.)  How did we do?

Let’s pick two.  When we finally got around to making those resolutions She of We felt she was watching too much television and to combat that would read more.  Well she’s reading more but still feels she watches too much television.  He of We clearly needed more exercise and by the time spring rolled around had a positive plan.  That was to walk the local high school football field every morning before work. Well he walked some for about a month but that was still better than just 24 hours.  (See Be It Further Resolved, March 22, 2012.)  The real question is, was delaying resolution making successful in making rational, keepable resolutions?  Really, not much.

So here we are, back to another winter Monday and this time it’s New Year’s Eve, the day resolutions are made.  Will we?  We have some time to think about.  We might.  We still know January is a terrible time to start a new year.  But we also know we need to still exercise more no matter if we’re at the beginning, middle, or end of the year.  We know we need to still keep our minds nimble no matter if it’s hot, cold, or comfortable outside.  And we need to spend less, save more, and eat better.  Do we need resolutions for those?  Really, not much.

We like the idea of not making any serious goals while it’s only 20 degrees outside.  The mind is challenged enough at the holidays and New Year’s Day is still best suited for continuing the stress of the holiday period.  That hasn’t changed from last year.  But we think we can come up with a few rational, keepable resolutions. 

We resolve to keep having fun.  We resolve to work on the hard stuff later.  We resolve to keep you posted on how we’re doing with both.

Now, that’s what we think.  Really.  How ‘bout you?

 

It’s Not the End of the World

Michael Leave a comment

If you lived to see Christmas then you know the world did not come to an end on December 20.  Or even December 21.  Probably there are just as many now a week later who are saying they never did believe in that stuff as there were a week ago who were convinced that this was the month to skip the mortgage payment.  As much as we would have loved to skip a payment or two, we were pretty much certain that the time to say we’ll never see another day wasn’t going to be determined by when the Mayans ran out of rock to carve their time in stone.

But it did get us to thinking.  Were there things this year that we’ll never see again.  We’ll not see another repeating date like we did on 12/12/12.  The next one will be 01/01/01 and January of 2101 is pretty far off.  But we could still be around for 2/2/22 or even 3/3/33.  Purists will say that those are not true repeating dates but since we’re talking life or death here, 2/2/22 is pretty close.

We saw lots of celebrities go in 2012.  Dick Clark, Andy Williams, Andy Griffith.  Whitney Houston, Donna Summer.  Etta James. Dave Brubeck.  Big names.  And many other big names.  And there could be a voice we’ll never hear again or a presence on the stage we’ll never see again.  But others will come.  Others will make us laugh and sing and snap our fingers and hum along.

There will never be another Twinkie or another Pontiac GTO, two brands that disappeared in 2012.  But somebody will eventually buy the Twinkie name and start baking vanilla sponge cakes with creamy centers and somebody will tell you that the last GTO wasn’t the same as the mid-60’s muscle car that made those three letters the monogram every teenage boy wanted in his garage anyway.

Some stuff we’ve missed but we know will be back.  Hockey hasn’t made a permanent exit even though some of the people whose livelihoods have been imperiled may feel it has.  No, not the players or the owners.  Especially not the league office or the players’ union.  We mean the ticket takers, ushers, vendors, and parking attendants.  Those who rely on 41 home games – plus playoffs – for a good chunk of their annual income.

And some stuff we really hope will stay away.  Do we have to hear one more time about “the biggest sale of the season!” Does every story have to be “Breaking news!”  Does every game have to have the “Play of the century!” in it?  And for good, bad, or otherwise, once January comes can we please retire “Fiscal Cliff” or at the very least make the Washington geniuses jump off of it?

All in all we have to say that 2012 wasn’t a banner year for things going away.  We should all get together and say, “Come on 2013, let’s see what you got but don’t expect us to just roll over and play dead.”  After all, it’s not the end of the world.   

Now, that’s what we think. Really. How ‘bout you?

 

 

The Gift of Music

Michael Leave a comment

What do pumpkin cakes, ceramic penguins, dip dishes (with dip mixes in 2 flavors!), and holiday CDs have in common?  After tonight they will have all been party favors at our Christmas Eve dinner.

Christmas Eve is a special time for us.  It was the first holiday that we combined families at a formal gathering.  It was the first holiday that we lightened up a formal gathering.  And it’s probably the holiday that almost everybody most looks forward to.

Christmas Eve has also become a holiday that we never know exactly how many people will be with us.  Our core families will be there.  But there always is at least one extra couple and never invited by Either of We.  We don’t care.  There’s always room at the table.  But it makes those favors a bit interesting.  This year we decided on holiday music CDs.  You can’t beat a good Christmas Carol.  We have the gamut from Carol of the Bells to Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer.  We’re planning on 10 at the table but we got 14 CDs because we’re never really sure.

A formal dinner for 14 might seem a bit extravagant to begin with.  Neither of We hit the rich mark in the ‘how well off are you’ scale.  We still manage to put together a traditional Italian feast of the seven fishes (for He of We’s side) and a traditional seafood themed American Christmas Eve (at She of We’s urging and to the great relief of many on He or We’s side).  With all that seafood, how do we manage to put together a dozen unique favors especially when they are favoring our guests with the gift of music, usually not an inexpensive offering.  He of We will take credit for that one.

We were out shopping and not even thinking of favors for Christmas Eve.  We had just finished up with Thanksgiving and were trying to shift ourselves from one holiday to another.  We ended up in one of our favorite, but not routinely visited stores.  It has literally everything.  Water heaters, garden flags, canned goods and canning goods.  Local sports teams doo-dads and needlework craft sets.  Hoses and hooks.  Books and — CDs.  While checking out the holiday themed flashlights He of We spotted a pair of spinner racks at the end of an aisle.  Thereupon sat hundreds of CDs.  All Christmas music, all the time.  And every one of them priced at one dollar.  One hundred cents, ten thin dimes, a buck a piece.  They had “favor” written all over them.

But (isn’t there always a but in a perfectly good favor find?), but, who gets what?  Who likes what?  We have a most eclectic Christmas Eve group.  We run the gamut from refined, retired ladies to a couple who met on an oil drilling rig.  Not to say that a well driller isn’t refined.  But there are probably differences in musical taste.  Do they get the CD with Mariah Carey, or the one with the studio group singing “Good King What’s His Name?”  And not only is the group eclectic.  So are the CDs.  Let’s face it, these are dollar CDs.  You aren’t getting the Mormon Tabernacle Choir for a dollar.  Well, actually, now, there were two of them that had selections sung by just that choir.  And some had Glen Campbell.  There were those with the London Symphony and there were those while listening you could Swing and Sway with Sammy Kaye.  Every case we turned we saw names we’d not imagine would see on a dollar CD.  Every couple of cases would actually bring out a little vocalization.  Yes, people did turn when She of We waved one she found with Liberace!  Most probably because she shouted, “Liberace!”

So we stood there, Each of We stationed at a spinner, sorting through the jewel cases like little kids picking out candy in the corner store.  Would this one work for She of We’s 28 year old son.  What about He of We’s cousin who grew up at the symphony.  Does anybody like country?  Does anybody like operatic?  Which semi-regular couple friend of a relative will show up this year?  Plan for both, we’ll never get another chance.  How could we resist?  It’s hard enough to be creative but to be creative on a budget is a million times harder.  To be creative for over a dozen people for less than a 20 dollar bill was a Christmas miracle.

Almost an hour later we were done.  Fourteen individual CDs plus a couple for our cars.  If you were to show up at our table this evening we’d probably have something to fit your taste.  You’d get something.  Everybody gets something.  It’s a rule.  And if you bring a lot of friends with you everybody will still get something.  We might run out of CDs but there are always the holiday crackers.  Maybe you’ll be the lucky one to sit through dinner wearing the paper hat.

Remember, everybody gets something.  It’s the rule!

Now, that’s what we think. Really. How ‘bout you?

We’re real, and we’re spectacular!

Michael Leave a comment

It’s back in the news.  Reality shows are being found unreal.  We entered that fray with our first post.  We didn’t then and don’t now like the reality they show us knowing that their reality is everybody else’s novelty.  The surprise shouldn’t be that someone suspected these were in fact scripted shows.  The surprise should be that a producer found six Amish youths who just happened to leave their communities and ended up in the same hotels in NYC all at the same time.  Or that three very different people including a goat farmer from the same NYC knew how Houdini relieved himself of a strait jacket.  Oh that they thnk so little of us that they believe that we believe these are really real.  Real?  Umm, we don’t think so.

We, however, are very real.  We are THE Real Reality Show.  What you get with us is what we are.   Yes there are times even our children cringe at that statement but that’s us.  We went back and looked at some of the things we’ve written just to be sure.  Yep.  That’s us.  And there’s even more.

We were reminded how real we are while watching television one evening last week.  Regular readers will have noticed that we come to a lot of conclusions while watching TV or while eating out.  Well, we watched a commercial portraying a couple putting together their hostess gift in the car outside the house, then donning reindeer ears, marching up the sidewalk, and then joining the party.  Together we looked at each other and said, “that’s us!”  We certain we’ve done that.  It’s just that it’s so like us we don’t even know we’re doing it.

And there are others.  Nobody but us would take advantage of the laws of physics and drive down an interstate highway in the pouring rain in a convertible with the top down absolutely certain we’d not get wet.  Not because of the laws of physics as much as “just because.”

Nobody but us could be driving down yet another highway while listening to a football game on the radio, hear a touchdown, and do a perfectly (yet still quite extemporaneously) choreographed end zone dance complete with foot stomps and hand claps while He of We’s daughter sits in the back seat wondering why she just doesn’t live with her cell phone permanently set to record video .

Nobody but us could spend two hours in a 20 year old game room playing 40 year old arcade games at one of the area’s finest ski resorts in the wee small hours of the morning feeling every bit as worldly as Richy Rich in his own playroom.  And every bit as lively as a 10 year old millionaire.

Nobody but us would invite a few friends to the house for cocktails and canapes and hire a singer musician to play for us because live is always better than recorded.  And get him 3 new gigs from others who’ll be wanting to do the same!

So as you read our tales twice a week, every week, be secure in the knowledge that this is one reality show that is really real.  No scripts.  No gimmicks.  No pay day.  So we take a little bad with all the good.

That’s what we think.  Really.  How ’bout you?

 

And if you order now…

Michael 2 Comments

‘Tis the season for catalog shopping. No, you’re not having déjà vu. That is the way we opened our last blog. But, it really is the season for catalog shopping and today we bring you our long awaited annual holiday gift guide. You’ll recall a few posts ago we teased you with a couple early favorites – the rechargeable illuminated wrenches with stand for $79.95 and the home cellulite smoother kit at $1,500 plus shipping. (See Welcome to Black Cyber Month (Nov. 30, 2012.) Those are intriguing but don’t compare to last year’s pick, the Optimal Resonance Audiophile Four-Way Three-Dimensional Soundstage Quality Speaker at the low, low price of $60,000 for the pair. (See Buy the Way, Dec. 1, 2011.) What will this year’s top catalog pick be?

None of our catalogs has anything close to the $60,000 price tag of that space saving yet concert hall replicating powerful gem of a speaker set. Perhaps retailers feel American shoppers are saving more than spending this year. Or else, since Neither of We ordered anything from them we weren’t graced with the Truly Extravagant line this year. For whatever reason, we have a more modest selection for you this year.

Perhaps you’ve lost your dog for the last time and you aren’t going to run all over the neighborhood trying to track the canine escapist. No need to. Let the satellites track your pooch while you check out the progress at your computer desk. Yes it’s a GPS tracking device for your dog. It’s a collar. It’s a transmitter. It’s water resistant (important for dogs in flight). It’s only $95 with the first three months of tracking service included. Try as we might, we just couldn’t find the regular price for the service after the first three months.

If you want to chase your runaway the old fashioned way but you live in Blizzardville, fear not. Snowshoes are just an order away. What? You can get snowshoes at the local snow shoe emporium, you say. Perhaps so but not in 8 designer colors and in family packs. Get the whole family out looking. A set of 4 for Mom, Dad, and 2 of the 2.3 children start at $470.

Just can’t stay out of touch? How about a watch for him or a bracelet for her that connects via Blue Tooth to your phone and vibrates whenever a call or text message is received. You can check out the display and nobody at your conference table will think you’re distracted by checking on your phone all the time. You may have to explain why you keep checking your watch instead. Starting at $109.99

All these might be terrific gifts for someone on your Nice List. Our favorite though, is the folding electric bicycle. Reaching speeds of up to 14 miles per hour and running for up to 2 hours on a single charge, it’s the perfect way to get away if you don’t want to get away too far. It’s your for only $5,000 plus $300 shipping.

We wonder if it comes assembled.

Now, that’s what we think. Really. How ‘bout you?

We regret to inform you…

Michael Leave a comment

‘Tis the season for catalog shopping. Whether on-line or a hard-copy catalog, people are still looking at colorful pictures, picturing loved ones in those colors, and sending off credit card numbers and waiting for packages on the porch to be there to greet them every day after work. Neither of We is any different.

Sometimes the operation is as smooth as we just described it. Every now and then an e-mail pops up that says, ‘Sorry, we regret to inform you that something bad happened and you won’t get your gift until May’ dashing hopes of holiday cheer and now wondering what to get Uncle Ed. She of We had just such an e-mail a bit ago. Well, actually, no, she didn’t. She got an e-mail not at all like that. This is what she got.

Unfortunately, we have to inform you of an error the fulfillment warehouse made which resulted in your order not shipping. Nope. Nada. None. It had not shipped as of yesterday. We are so sorry for this error!

We have confirmed that the warehouse has now fixed the error and your order will be en-route to you as of Monday 12/7 if it is not already.

Of course, the big question is: Will it arrive by Christmas? YES – you will receive it in time!

Don’t you just love it? ‘Dear customer, we made a mistake and you weren’t getting anything but we fixed it and now you will get it. And on time.’ No blaming the slowness of the mail. No blaming the foibles of electronic transmissions. No blaming volume or “this unanticipated popularity of our items.” Nope. We messed up, we fixed it, it’s on its way. And with cheerful punctuation!

‘Tis the season for catalog shopping. And ‘tis the season for occasional disappointment. We think it’s good that somebody out there takes a light-hearted approach at their job. Why be so serious? Especially when it comes to punctuation!

Now, that’s what we think. Really. How ‘bout you?

 

A Real Reality Check

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We present to you our favorite least favorite happenings from the past week.  Call it a rant review.

Bathrooms.  Everybody has a favorite bathroom story.  We have a favorite bathroom question.  She of We asks why Ladies ’ Rooms always are so filthy.  Amid the toilet paper on the floor, the water on the sink, the garbage around but not quite in the trash, can you actually say any real ladies are stopping by?  Is it because of the amount of time women spend in the room that they give up on niceties?  Perhaps because women line everything with toilet paper so their bodies don’t actually touch anything in the room that when the paper slips off the seat or the handle or the sink they aren’t going to be the ones to pick it up.  Naturally that led to the follow up question: if they aren’t going to touch anything while out why don’t they wait to get home?

Airlines:  You have to be very lucky and want to travel between just the right two cities in America to get a direct flight to Anywhere, USA.  Otherwise, it’s “connecting through” on your itinerary.  Our question:  When does a layover become a rant?  He of We was connecting through Houston last week.  That’s just about halfway between east and west and that’s where United decided to have him switch planes.  When he arrived at the halfway point he discovered that his connection was going to be 3 hours and 10 minutes late in taking off.   Apparently United ran out of planes and was sticking by the initial plan to fly the plane that was due to arrive at 5pm even though it didn’t leave its departure city (4 hours away) until after 4pm.  The delay was 10 minutes less than the expected flight time to He of We’s final destination putting him there not slightly before 9pm but slightly after midnight.  Add three hours due to time zone changes and it was really a long day.  United was good enough to recognize the inconvenience they caused and offered everyone waiting at the gate for those 3 hours free soft drinks.  The women probably made a mess of the Ladies’ Room.

Stupid questions:  A variety of stupid questions were asked of us last week.  
     “Are these all the same?”  Clerk at the everything store when ringing up 20 CDs.  (Why we were buying 20 CDs will be coming up in a future post but no, there were indeed all different.)  
     Will you be wanting any dessert?”  Waitress AFTER she placed our check on the table.
     “Is that in the morning?”  Wake-up call operator responding to He of We’s request for a call at 6am.”

Reservations:  On the aforementioned trip that He of We got to wait for 3 hours to finish, he did eventually arrive at his destination and the hotel there.  Our question is why do we bother?  His reservation was for 4 nights in an up-graded, non-smoking room.  Upon check-in the clerk told him he could have 2 nights in such a room.  After that the room he was going to be put in would be unavailable and they would move him to a different, but similar room.  He of We asked the obvious question, was there anywhere in the hotel he could stay for all 4 nights without having to move.  Of course, he could have 4 nights in a standard room.  There’s a follow-up question in there somewhere but we can’t figure out exactly what it is.   

So those were our questions of the week.  Or maybe, those were our questions of the weak. 

Now, that’s what we think. Really. How ‘bout you?