This is the worst time of year.  No, we aren’t talking about the fall foliage.  That’s beautiful.  And we don’t mean the World Series.  That’s a Fall Classic!  We don’t mean the start of hockey season.  That’s usually happening about now.  We don’t mean fall craft shows.  That’s a great way to get ready for Christmas.  We don’t even mean high school football.  That’s almost a religion.  But it is just the worst time of year.  If you watch television between 1 and 6 am.

In the summer you get the local lawn guys and pool guys and remodeling guys.  In the winter you get the Christmas sales and the restaurants and the shipping companies.  In the spring you get the nurseries and garden centers.  But now, between major marketing moments, all you get are the 2 minute versions of the infomercial filling in the late night and weekend commercial time slots.

Have you seen the latest?  An ear vacuum.  Everybody knows you can’t clean your ears with a cotton swab.  We learned that right after we learned how to hit a curve ball.  (Sorry, World Series time you know.)  Now you don’t have to worry about puncturing your ear drum with a cotton ball on a stick.  Now there’s an ear vacuum.  We aren’t making this up.  And with it you get 8 color coded tips for each member of the family.  But wait.  If you order now, they’ll double it!  Two ear vacuums and 16 individual tips for each member of your really big family!

This is a very disturbing trend that we have noticed.  Everything is doubled.   Warehouses worldwide must be overloaded and this is the method by which inventories will be reduced.  Buy one, get two.  Do we really need two doggy steps, two abdominal binders, or two bug zappers?  Is life twice as good with double the shoe stretchers or skin tag removers or water sealers?  Do we really have to act now to maximize our quantities of vegetable choppers, never need sharpened knives, or knife sharpeners?  The way things are being sold in pairs we’re pretty sure Noah is behind the marketing decisions.

Clearly somebody bought too much of a good(?) thing and wants to move that product now.  Shelf space is expensive and nobody is making any money with stuff sitting on them.  (The shelves, not the bodies.)  But doubling everything?  Can’t they get together and share the purchasers? 

“Act now” deals are nothing new.  Years ago when every other commercial was for every record every recorded there was always a premium for those who would “act now.”  If you bought every love song of the 60’s, 70’s, and 80‘s they sent you a rolodex to keep track of which album and track you’d find “Love Me Do.”  Spring for the complete set of national anthems as played by Harry and his Harmonica and you’d also get a lifetime supply of never run pantyhose.  Or score it big with Latin language records and they threw in an electric ice crusher that chunked, chipped, or shaved at the touch of a button. 

Yes, those guys knew marketing. They didn’t just toss in a second set of something.  They made it irresistible.  And who needs two cheese graters anyway?  They only thing we can think of that we’d want two of are two llamas.  That’s some soft warm fur there.  Ear muffs for everyone.  Sixteen color coded, warm and fuzzy, individually wrapped muffs for every member of your family!

Now, that’s what we think.  Really.  How ‘bout you?