Not long ago, She of We remodeled the bathroom in her house.  The bathtub was still in good shape but dingy.  Rather than replace a good strong cast iron tub with a new and improved cheap imitation she had the tub refinished.  When the work was done the refinisher presented her with the warranty and list of “don’ts.”  High on the list was not to use a specific array of cleaning products.  If she failed to heed this warning, her actions would (ominous music, please) void the warranty.  It made sense.  It’s a process to refinish a bathtub.  Acrylics, bonders, polymers and other magic stuff went into making a 60 year old cast iron tub look new and improved.  And it’s an expensive process.  If one of those bonders or polymers or other-ers came loose and the finish became unfinished it would be just as expensive to refinish it all over again.  That is good advice, there for her protection, and a good warranty. 

As the project moved on, new mirrors and floor and fixtures found their way to the remodeled space.  When all the rest of the pieces were in place the plumber presented her with, among other things, instructions for the toilet.  Don’t use any cleaning solutions in it or you will (once again please, some ominous music) void the warranty.  Good advice for the — for the what?  Toilet?  We aren’t speaking of the valve that lets water in or the flush mechanism that lets water out.  Toilets don’t even come with those necessities.  You buy them separately.  We’re speaking of the white thing upon which you sit.  After you buy a seat.  They don’t come with those either. 

That big white thing that takes up a whole corner of the room – the throne, the chair, the real man’s recliner – has a warranty.  And in order to preserve it you cannot use toilet cleaners in the toilet.  We have to ask, with what does one clean a toilet if not with toilet cleaners.  You would certainly want to clean a toilet every now and then.  Wouldn’t you?  We do.  But wait yet another minute.  A warranty?  From what?  One would think if a toilet did not hold up its end of the bargain and hold up he or she while he or she is…well, if the toilet broke and that person crashed to the floor, the warranty would be the last thing that the state attorney general or consumer affairs commissioner or whomever would handle the complaint would request to act upon the complaint.

There once was a day when warranties weren‘t commonplace for everything from toilets to shampoo.   There once was a day when workmanship was so good nobody thought of a warranty.  It just worked.  Even toilets.  No, that toilet warranty isn’t there for her protection.  That warranty is there for the protection of the company that realized it has created a new and improved cheap imitation of what once was genuine and solid needing neither newness nor improvement.  If it was any good the manufacturer would have hung a tag on it that reads, “Good luck with your new toilet.  It will give you years of enjoyment.  If you have any problems, give us a call.”  Instead the manufacturer tries to impress the purchaser with promises that it will repair or replace any defective part that one can prove was a defect in manufacturing and not subsequent handling including transportation and installation and that no mishandling after installation up to and including cleaning with cleaning solutions has occurred.  Words we never thought would accompany a toilet purchase.

Our advice to you if you find yourself in a similar situation is to clean the toilet.  It’s for your protection.

Now, that’s what we think.  Really.  How ‘bout you?